Dear M,

I have written so many pages about you in my diary but this time I would like to publish this letter instead of keeping it for myself.

You are my first everything, first love, first boyfriend, first night, and of course, first breakup. The first time ever I found myself crazily irrational, drown in emotion of love and anxiety, jealousy and happiness, hope and fear at the same time. You are the honest guy who is like an open book with a warm heart, brought out the best in me that I couldn’t see them in myself. Unfortunately, we did not make it. We went through a terrible period of time when I had to leave you and back my country due to an unwanted circumstance. Ten months after that I was still crying because of missing you.

I have done so much to move on, join a swimming class, a painting class, an English class, a fitness program, travel with friends, read, study, work a lot, and of course, lot of effort spent to look for someone to get over you. I very much enjoy my current life by succeeding in all parts above except the last one, I haven’t found any replacement for you yet. We still keep in touch since the breakup, keep others updated about how we carry on, live, work, how our families are, our improvements, our goals and even our problems in life. I thought it was great that we can still keep each other as best friend and soul mate years after the breakup but now I am not sure anymore. The constant contact makes me keep thinking about you, missing you, having dreams about you, and writing diary about you. You told me that you have the same experience about me until now. It’s hard to become friend with your ex right, especially when you still have feelings for them.

But its much much much harder to accidentally find out that you started dating another girl just two months after we broke up. Well, I just knew that 2 weeks ago, by then you and that girl had already been together for 15 months. Because you purposedly hide it from me for all those time. My hands were shaking, my heart stopped beating, I felt like I just had a car crash. I felt like I went through the breakup again, the night we gave each other the last kiss before you left.

You explained to me a lot. Some I get, some I don’t. But most of all. I get hurt. Really really bad. Deep down inside I can’t except that my ex has moved on with someone else who replace my spot in your arms, next to your chest. (Even though I know both of us should). But more importantly, that moment, I don’t know who you are anymore, not the “open book” guy who tells me everything that I used to love. You broke the precious trust built between us. Every piece in me smashed. You are the last person in the world I expect to hurt me. I wish you have told me earlier, then I still hurt but I guess it would be better than what I am going through now. Why? Why did you hurt me in that bad way? How? How could you treat me like this?

Last summer, I draw on a happiness bell and hang it on a bridge to wish both of us happiness no matter we are together or not. I truly wish you a happy and peaceful life. Now even though I still want to know how you live your life, I don’t know how to start talking to you anymore. My mind say stay away from you while my heart still thinking about you. Please tell me what should I do?