J

Nearly 2 years now. Each day is almost as exhausting as the next. It’s incredible how my brain can find its way back to you despite the effort I make to rid my life of your existence. The pain is unbearable. My first true love lost too soon. Well you did say ‘sorry for breaking your little heart’ but you inadvertently broke me and I haven’t been put back together since. Each other’s “firsts” and the first person you actually made love to. I get it, we were young and in love and it would fizzle out eventually, but that was no excuse to go ahead and hurt me the way you did. I can see you now, denying it. As soon as I mention the word I know you’ll think i’m being “insecure”. But you cheated. Plain and simple. You actively searched for another person while you claimed to be my girlfriend. You mentioned her name while we were together in my bed. You hid photos of her on your phone and changed your passcode to further shut me out. You went on road trips together and you even fucking asked my permission to go “cuddle” with her. All the while bringing me down. Telling me i’m “not extroverted enough, not tall enough, don’t have a licence or a car”. If you weren’t happy with me you should have ended it like a decent human being.

But you chose the easy route.
Like you always do.

Cause to you, I wasn’t worth the fight, despite my efforts to keep you. Despite telling me you wanted forever with me, that I was your soulmate. You’ve fucking ruined me. Beyond the point of recovery. You, her and your friends will laugh saying our relationship didn’t mean anything cause we didn’t know each other that long, but love isn’t measure in time, It’s measured by its lasting effect. The worse part in all this is that you play the victim. You wear your victimhood like a badge and I know you make me out to be the toxic villain. Sure, I made my mistakes and I didn’t handle myself properly, but I was justifiably upset. You had no right to treat me the way you did. I hate that you’re happy. I hate that you’ve had experiences, made friends, travelled and most likely forgotten about me.
But most of all, I hate that I still love you.