I choose love. I love you because I know that loving is worth the prolonged pain, love forgives and doesn’t hold grudges, love is kind and hopeful, love endures. But, I know that loving you this time means I have to love you from afar and as a friend. I have to love you enough to let you be you and let you go. I don’t expect you to love me in return, but love you I always will. My dear first love, you will always have my heart and I will never regret our time together.
I don’t know when I fell for you or how you made me settle, but I am so glad I fell under your spell. You brought me the happiest times of my life and never failed to cheer me up, and for that, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am a miscellany of emotions that you perfectly navigated. You reminded me who I was after forgetting for such a long time.
I know I depended on you too much. You were the light at the end of the tunnel of my day. I relied on you to keep me afloat and that’s not fair. A relationship should make a person happier, not be the only reason they are happy, and this is the reason I swung so violently during our time apart. Ah, hindsight is such a wonderful thing. If I had a chance to redo that month I would in a second. Less than a second. I didn’t realise how much I loved you until these last few days. It’s true that you don’t know what you had till its gone. You showed me how to be in a relationship. You covered me from the anti-relationship pessimistic person I was, to someone who finally felt.
I am so angry that I didn’t show you how much I wanted you and wanted to stay with you, and so pitiful that I forced you to decide. At that moment I blurred out and instantly went into defensive humour mode.
But limbo felt better than this. This hurts so much. I wake up unable to breathe or speak or eat, just sobbing and feeling as if something is choking me (in a very un-kinky way!). I feel hollow and dead inside. My mantra has become ‘I’m not going to die, it’s not the end of the world, just the end of a chapter’. A hella big chapter.
I’m sorry I wasn’t what you wanted. I was selfish and foolish and on that tree trunk I should have leaned in and said I loved you, I should have leaned in and kissed you to stop you over thinking the situation and scenarios in your head, I should have fucking leant in and, and, and just told you that you are beautiful, that I get lost in your eyes and despite all your self deprecating thoughts, to me you are stunning. I see your flaws. I love them.
I will always wait for you. I will make sure you wake up on time. I will always love you. I will always miss you, and I will never forget. I feel so privileged to have been a part of your life and I pray I still get to be. All I ask is that you don’t erase me. That we find a common ground and that you let me love you. I will forever remain attractive in the photo in your wallet, so remember me at my snowy best, and you will look like a guilty cake fiend in the polaroid on my wall. Together, we will always be the Hollywood couple of the party. You are the person that pushed all the boys out of my snap chat best friend list and I only have eyes for you. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little upset about losing the emoji and streak.
I hope you find happiness and I hope I find closure.
Remember – oh wow, I love you a lottle.
‘These violent delights have violent ends And in their triumph die, like fire and powder, Which, as they kiss, consume. The sweetest honey Is loathsome in his own deliciousness And in the taste confounds the appetite. Therefore love moderately. Long love doth so. Too swift arrives as tardy as too slow.’ – Romeo & Juliette Act 2 Scene 5 – I think we loved a little to fast.