So here we go.
I moved to the city 2 years ago to live alone for the first time, and then you left me, ‘K’. That was my brutal initiation into adulthood.
The responsible thing would be to stop dating for a while to find my footing. And y’know what? For 18 months I didn’t do that, I went from person to person looking for some kind of relief or holy thing that would compare to you. I wasn’t responsible. And after my pointless quest I’m still here completely empty.
Is this about missing anyone in particular? I don’t think so. I think I project a face onto the emptiness but it’s still there regardless. Maybe because my life isn’t where it’s supposed to be. Maybe because I haven’t sat with the hole in my life long enough to make peace with it. I’ve tried meditating, dieting, joining the gym, meeting new people, challenging myself. But that void is still there. And speaking of meeting new people –
To ‘A’, which ended recently:
You deceived me, let’s be honest. You were in a terrible state of mind when we met and saw me as your salvation, that’s why you became fixated on me. You have problems from growing up, it affects you how your dad never loved you. It affects you how your mum had kids with lots of different dads and burns through lots of different men so casually, never satisfied.
That’s why you called me in the club drunk that one night instead of being with your friends. That’s why you were needlessly sexual with me when I barely knew you. That’s why you left the man that loved you for me, why he was still a confused mess months later. It’s bizarre how I empathise with him more than you. Probably because you used and discarded him in a similar way you left me.
You treated me like a god for a few months only to tear me down when you realised I was human, when I came to you weak and struggling you gave me no support. You were only ever in it for yourself, you only wanted the fun aspects and never conflict resoluation because you can’t handle pain, you’re so obsessed with being strong that vulnerability and emotional openness terrifies you.
The more you learnt about me, the more you slowly distanced from me until I was left with nothing. The worst thing isn’t that you blamed me without seeing how we both caused our fair share of problems. No, the worst thing is I let you blame me for everything and I did nothing about it.
I was fucking dying to see you or call you for weeks to sort our communication blockage between us, to figure things out between us, and you completely stonewalled me. You let this die.
And then you dumped me in the most callous way possible, Out of nowhere you said I’m not the person you thought I was and then when I expressed how I was in physical pain you told me to “stop being dramatic”. Fuck you.
I get angry like this but I realise I don’t hate you. I knew this had to end at some point, it was too toxic. I just wish I got to express myself to you. I love you as a person, I know rationally this would never work and one part of me is glad, but the other misses you terribly and the connection we had. I have to deal with these complicated emotions by myself now and you get to live carefree. It’s bleak.
Back to ‘K’, which ended ages ago:
I thought by falling for someone else it’d purge you from my mind but I’m still here thinking about you, you’re still a ghost inhabiting me, it’s just now there’s both you and ‘A’ sharing that space. I still dream about you sometimes and briefly forget how I’ve been living for the last few years. I still wish I responded to your messages you sent this new year’s, maybe just to catch up; it was my pride which kept me no-contact.
What we had was beautiful, I know you ended it because the long distance was hard, I understand. I know it would’ve been 3 more years. You thought I could only visit once every 4 months but I didn’t know my schedule. I didn’t know the cost of living. I didn’t know I had enough savings to visit you really often, but you left before I could tell you. I want you to know I still love you dearly. I still haven’t met someone like you. Probably because I’m not the person I was back then, when I still had hope. Maybe I can be that person again one day.
Maybe I’m not looking for anyone specifically. I think I project a face onto the emptiness but it’s still there regardless. Maybe because my life isn’t where it’s supposed to be. Maybe the problem is I have no idea what I’m looking for. I’ve had so many memorable, amazing experiences since you left but it still doesn’t feel like it’s amounted to much. Oh well, I’m finally alone properly this time. I’m not looking for anyone else to complete me, not anymore.
Whatever this demon is, I’m facing it by myself, no matter how long it takes. I’m just scared because I don’t know where I’ll end up or what my future looks like. I love you, all of you people who were such a big part of my life for so long. I’m sorry I couldn’t be better for you all. Thank you.