My dear lazy ass,
I’m sorry that I’m bothering you again, when you clearly don’t want to have anything with me. There are few things that I didn’t have a chance to say to you before I left, and I need to take it out of my chest. I don’t know if you will read this or respond, I don’t expect anything. I know that you are probably mad at me for putting everything on you, but can you blame me? Everything happened so sudden and I didn’t see it at all. Two days before my flight you told me that you can’t do it anymore, that you don’t have time, and I understand your situation, I just wanted to be there for you, but you pushed everything away. Our whole relationship you pushed away, and you didn’t even try. What we had was great, I never felt like that with someone, that’s why it hurts so bad, you didn’t just push me away as for relationship, you pushed me away as a friend. You told me that you don’t have time, and that’s why you can’t do it anymore, but what I don’t get is how do you have time for other people, how do you have so much time for Dani, but you don’t have time for me, not for relationship, not for friendship, you just don’t have time. I feel like you are running away from me, and I don’t know the reason for that, what changed so suddenly, I did run after you, but I can’t do it anymore, I’m tired. When I came for your bday I didn’t expect anything from you, but you had to kiss me there, you had to remind me of everything we had, and then you ask me why I thought that you would change your mind. You really confuse me a lot. You say one thing, do other thing, and in your eyes you can see something else, and I don’t get it at all. Please don’t take it personally, but I think you lied to me, because it doesn’t make sense. Maybe you were bored with me or I annoyed you, or you just didn’t want to have anything else with me, but you didn’t know how to tell me or you just didn’t want to hurt me. I feel like you didn’t tell me the real reason, because obviously you have time. That’s the only explanation I came up with. And after everything I’m starting to question myself if everything else was a lie. The reason why I came to Portland early you already know, it was because of you, but I don’t want you to feel bad or responsible or uncomfortable about it. It was my choice to come, but I couldn’t stay. It just hurts really bad to see how you have time for her and other people. I understand that they are your friends and that she is your best friend or maybe even something more, I don’t even know anymore, but I just couldn’t. It just hurts knowing that I wanted nothing more than to be with you, to be there for you, but I know when I’m not wanted and when I need to stop. So, this is the last message you will get from me. I’m not going to bother you anymore, now everything is on you. I was fighting for you, now it’s your turn to fight for me. If you want to talk with me, be friends with me that’s on you. I did everything I could. It was never supposed to be like this. I shouldn’t feel like this, but I do. The only thing I ever lied to you about is that I have fallen for you, but I think you already knew that. So yeah, I have fallen for you so hard that it hurts, but I never should have, but I don’t regret it at all, I would do it all over again. I have never felt happiness like the way I did when I was with you, and I wouldn’t change it for the world. I really miss you, I miss everything we had. I miss waiting for you home, falling asleep and waking up in your arms, I miss our late-night conversations. I miss how you would tell me about your day, how you would share some stupid little things that happened to you that day, I miss messing around with you. I think of you every day. I don’t know if you ever think about me, but I highly doubt it. it just hurts that you pushed me all the way, and that you don’t even care. I don’t know why I didn’t see this coming, I mean everyone warned me about it, but I never wanted to believe them, I trusted you, and I guess I just had to hit my head into a wall. That’s what you get when you are blind and when you trust someone so much. I hope that this is not the end of us, but if it is, I want you to know that I’m glad that I had opportunity to share all these moments with you. No matter what, I would do it all over again with you lazy ass.