F,

Through you cutting me out of your life when I needed you most, I’ve realized why I thought I needed contact. Why I kept messaging and trying to phone you, trying to get some kind of response out of you. This past month I thought it was for myself, my own closure, even though fueled by pain and anger. It’s not for me, but I’ve been doing this for you.
There’s so much more I want to get off my chest. So much hatred that I feel for you, but it doesn’t matter anymore. That hatred is there and will never bring either of us back to the moment you could have been by my side while I was bent over a hospital bed saying my last goodbyes to my only parent left. The moment you could have said your goodbyes to your future father in law. I can explain it over and over, but unless you deal with it yourself, you won’t get anywhere. There’s actually no point.

Almost a year ago, I remember telling you that I had you figured out. I do. I always have.
That’s why in the early days I felt the need to ask you to please let me know in time if you wouldn’t be able to be there for me in the hardest moments of my life. Because I knew you wouldn’t. I underestimated my own strength and intuition.

That’s how I managed to figure out what you were lying to me about, to my face, and why I kept asking the same question. Because I knew you weren’t telling me the truth. All those times you didn’t show up to family dinners, your seat left empty at the set dinner table. These were the last dinners I spent with my father, crying in his arms because of your irresponsibility and lack of character.

I’ve spent so much energy the last few weeks on trying to figure this whole thing out, when really I had you figured out from the beginning. That’s why I now know that, when I thought I needed you for closure, actually, you needed me. You’re still going to need me.

I want nothing to do with you. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to forgive you for the way you mistreated and disrespected me, my family, and my father. I hope so, for my own sake. I shared with you the one thing in my life I can never share with anyone else; I introduced you to my last living parent. I also shared a moment with my father that I’ll never have again, and for that, I’m glad you broke my heart, and even more proud that I walked away.
You couldn’t handle it, and by removing yourself from the situation slowly but surely, you didnt have to deal with it. But, by doing so, you left the one person that needed you the most empty handed. These are real feelings, and real people you’ve damaged along your path. I dont know if you’ll ever be able to fully comprehend what you’ve done as a person, let alone as someone I loved.

There’s a similar pattern in your previous relationship. You do this to people.

You avoid, close your eyes and hope it isn’t there anymore after you’ve endulged in things to take your mind off of whatever the issue is. Then, when you open your eyes and you realize you’ve let it go too far, you disappear. You run back to your support system, and all your troops retreat. As if nothing had ever happened, and as if nothing is going on. You actually believe that with time, everything will subside and just clear itself up.
But, then, when the truth comes out, you’re crying in your next relationship over guilt you harvest from something you ran away from in your previous relationship. And so, the circle continues. More often than not, the path of least resistance isn’t a good idea.

One day, that pile of things you avoided and disappeared from will start to crumble. We all make mistakes, and that’s human. We all have faults and certain patterns and behaviours that have consequences. Thing is, if you don’t confront these mistakes and take responsibility at some point in time, these consequences will catch up with you and have an even worse effect. Especially what you did to me. Try explaining this to your next girlfriend, after first lying to her about it.

I really hope that someday you realize the principle of consequences to your actions and taking responsibility for those. Until then, you’re going to have a very heavy weight on your shoulders.

Good riddance,

Natalie