Never planned that one day I’d be losing you

Never planned that one day I’d be losing you

Never planned that one day I’d be losing you


It’s been hard. I really do miss you. It’s been exactly a year since we crossed paths out of nowhere. We came from two very different worlds but collided so perfectly anyway. Do you remember how sudden and magical it was? Do you remember how we spent hours texting and talking on the phone everyday, laughing about nothing and everything, always wanting more and never wanting to hang up? Do you remember how I had to whisper on the phone but couldn’t control my loud laugh whenever you told me something cute and funny? Do you remember talking about our future, where we’d live, and what our hopes and dreams were? Do you remember us telling each other “I love you” for the first time, during that 4-hour long phone call filled with tears and laughter after our first official breakup? (It was around 2.20am to 6.30am where I was. We fell asleep on the phone.)

The circumstances were so complex. You left and came back to me multiple times by yourself, always telling me how you wanted to work things out and how you’d always love me. My heart broke over and over again but I held on because I knew you loved me and I loved you back. I know you were stressed and going through stuff. Then you said you felt lonely because I was far away. We still kept talking and falling back into flirting because the connection was too strong. It always felt like old times, regardless of what happened. I felt so relaxed and reassured when you told me how head over heels in love with me you were, and how you’d always love me even if you couldn’t have me, and how things would work out if we were in the same country. I remember how I told you I loved you whenever you asked me if I felt the same way. I remember how I’d always know when you were crying even if you didn’t tell me. I remember how we’d both lose our shit whenever we sent selfies to each other because we were always in awe at how beautiful the other was. Most of all, I remember how you said you’d always be here for me and wouldn’t go anywhere no matter what happened.

We made plans to meet but they never materialised. It was difficult trying to act like I was ok around my parents during that vacation I’d been looking forward to. I’m still not completely clear when and why you fell out of love, but I’ve really tried to put myself in your shoes and I think I understand it better now. The physical distance made you lonely, and you missed me until you were tired of crying and missing me. It is my fault for not fully understanding that back then. It was also my fault for making an incorrect conclusion about your state of mind (it was a logical conclusion my brain came to based on past experience, but it doesn’t matter). I am sorry for pushing you even further away the past few months. I was afraid of losing you but it was selfish of me to hold on while you were pulling away. The fight we had 3 weeks ago still haunts me. I’m sorry for over-explaining and making things worse when I should have just listened and empathised with you. Did you mean all the mean things you said? I’m sorry for the horrible things I said. I think you were upset because you didn’t feel heard or understood. In hindsight, I get you better now and I’m sorry for being a confused, emotional mess.

It’s been 3 weeks since I’ve been cut off and I have no idea how you’re doing. Honestly, I’m too afraid to find out because what if you’ve already happily moved on? Did I even mean that much to you? Are you still angry? Upset? Resentful? Indifferent? Do you barely remember me because I was one of the many girls you’ve dated? Or do you think of me fondly at all? Was I even special or significant to you?

You were my first love and you’ll always have a place in my heart. I’ll always treasure the memories, however painful they may be. I’ll always remember that perfect, carefree summer in France where we’d text for hours and I’d lie in bed and talk to you on the phone about everything under the fucking sun without whispering or giving a damn about how loud my voice/laughter was. It was the first time I ever went to Pride and I excitedly told you every detail. I still remember how you said “baby? I love you” out of the blue in the middle of one of our calls. It was only 2 weeks, but it felt like a happy eternity. Thank you for making those 2 weeks perfect.

I listened to that Van Halen song while writing this. (remember that list of my 5 current favourite songs I sent you when we first met?) I listened to your favourite song, the song that you said reminded you of me, and our other special songs too. It hurts that you completely cut me off and it fucking sucks that we never even got to hug and our dreams will merely exist in our (or just my) head. Honestly, I hope we could still be friends one day because we just meshed together so well and got each other. We’d have loved talking to each other even if romantic feelings were never involved. In a way, you’ll always be my princess and I’ll be here for you if you ever want to be friends or something more again. I wish we didn’t end on such bad terms and I’m sorry for the mess. I fucking miss you.

1 Comment

  1. Di 10 months ago

    It’s not your fault … I was in a similar situation but just sometimes it doesn’t work I guess..
    I am still in great pain and your letter is just killing me. I feel you.

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