It’s been close to a year since you went back home to be with your family. I remember when you told me you were moving back we both had a mutual agreement that it would be for the best. We were both going through a really stressful time in our lives. I didn’t appreciate how much you did for me at that time. For a month or so after you left I thought it would be better if we stopped talking and, while it seemed like the right decision at the time, one day I thought of something I really wanted to tell you about, when I looked over to tell you about it I realized you were gone. Gone forever. The bed that we used to just lie on together and do nothing with each other all day suddenly felt so cold, So empty. In that moment the realization of how hard I screwed up hit me like a freight train. I cried myself to sleep that night.
I tried, desperately, to come crawling back to you. Begging you to please take me back, To fix the heart that Id managed to shatter into infinite tiny pieces. But you’d moved on and rightfully so. I crossed that bridge and burned it a long time ago and now I get to live with my stupid, impulsive, selfish decisions. I have nobody to blame but myself for the state I’m in. All I do every single day is wish that I could go back in time and fix my mistakes. Find some grand romantic gesture and convince you that I’ve changed for good and that if you’d just give me a second chance things would be different. But it’s knowing that the only time that will ever be true is when I escape to a fantasy I’ve created in my head that tortures me every day.
I know I could try reaching out to you again but I’m afraid that I’ll let my emotions get the better of me and drive you away once more. It always happens. Even if I did manage to hold myself together all I’d do is bring back that pain that could only be cured by holding you in my arms again. I can’t bring myself to accept the fact that there’s nothing I can say or do to bring you back. All I can do is sit and wait for a miracle that never comes.
I’m sure you’ve moved on at this point. You’re too beautiful to not have. And I’m happy for you, You deserve better than me. You deserve somebody who’ll truly appreciate you, somebody who won’t lose sight of how lucky they are. I hope you find true happiness. You of all people deserve that.