This is not a letter to hold your back.
This is not a letter to say how much i miss you.
This is not my will either.
This is a letter from me to you, telling you what i’ve not said but thought to myself.

2019. Feb.20
It’s the day we’ve first met. You walked in the restaurant but i didn’t notice it. I tried to look busy because i was kind of nervous. I didn’t know what to expect.. Coming to meet someone i only saw through Facebook.
We’ve talked.. and you seemed to be confused and anxious about something. The way you looked over the table and when every people came in. Now that i think maybe you wanted to see someone from your past..
I’ve had a feeling that you came to meet me with determination. But i was hesitant to find out. I didn’t want anything from you or you to have anything from me. The first meeting for me. But i think you’ve mentioned that it was our first date.. I wasn’t sure what to do. But i knew that i could be your rebound..
Usually people are private about previous ex-stories but you were so open about it. Right now, i’m thinking i should have known.. But i decided to listen more because maybe you wanted help from me.
I also had a hard time back in Korea. I fell for a girl who had a boyfriend. She turned cold on me, like she should have. It was one of the hardest summer i had to endure in 2016/2017. So i knew what you were going through and wanted to make you feel better. I was worried about you because you drank alcohol too much. I should correct.. I was worried about you because you drank alcohol to forget your ex and the pain. But it just doesn’t work that way… I’m going through it now with and it’s hard.. But you have to take a different method and just wait for the time to heal the pain.

2019. Feb. 21
It’s when you first brought me to your house. When i was trying to find your house, i was abit worried because i wasn’t ready for anything, casual encounter or even a serious relationship. I needed to know you more. But i felt like you wanted me there so i went.. But i was glad we only saw the movie.

2019.Feb.22
It’s when we started talking via Whatsapp. I decided i wanted to know you better and actually to see you. Because i am quire conservative about stepping forward. But i felt you wanted me to step forward..

2019.Mar.4
It was our trip to Salzburg. I was nervous but I wanted to go with you. I think during this time, you were the one leading our “ship” and i followed. I liked to follow because i wasn’t fully stepping forward and leading ‘us’. I know we had a trouble in bed and talked alot about it. I was worried because i was still a virgin. With the first girl i met, we were teenagers and didn’t wanted to make mistakes. She refused me and i had to wait. It was a long time ago and i felt anxious about sex since then. But i couldn’t tell you because i knew how you were used to the different approach. And knowing how i was a virgin could have made us be further apart. I chose to lie about my virginity because it didn’t matter to me. I’ve had this problem since my first ex and it all didn’t worked out. Even those one night stands..
It was embarrassing but i was okay with the fact but i knew you wouldn’t be. Because.. You wanted me for a short while. I wasn’t sure this will be the case until the end but i kind of knew you were taking our relationship just easy and without growth. But i believed in you that maybe you.. You needed someone to be there for you and care for you. Because i felt your warmth in your heart and the thought and intention to build something.. But i guess i was wrong. I just wished it all worked out.
Do you remember when you were disappointed that we had to come back to Munich from Salzburg?
When you explained to me you wanted more holiday, i thought it meant holiday with me away from all problems but it was because you ex would have stayed one more night right? It all makes sense when you were expecting something from me. I guess you expected me to do things your ex would’ve done.
But after we came back on March 6th, you were the one to first tell me that you’ve missed me. I replied back ‘I miss you’ with all my heart..

When you first introduced me to your doll, let’s call him A, i was a bit skeptical whether you were in your right mind. But i felt it was rude to say that out loud so i accepted your doll. To think of it right now, i didn’t think the doll was your ex and the second doll being you. I thought as it is. But i guess the doll has still pieces of your ex.. I just wish it was a lie but it makes sense. Maybe i’m wrong but it was true that i wasn’t close to you like you were to the doll.

2019. Mar. 8
It’s when you brought me to your parents. I felt much more involved in your personal life and i decided to open myself more. The memories were surreal looking back. I didn’t wanted to feel like i was there to cause trouble. All the image of your house and your room still is real. Maybe because it was the last place we were together before i went…

I didn’t really like the expression of princess day. It was normal to do things for someone you care about. But it sounded too ‘special’. It’s a way to show how you feel to another person.

There was a week and days where when we met, the first few minutes were tense and awkward. I was sad about this because i thought you’ve stepped forward. I thought and expected us to be more closer by then but i didn’t wanted to pressure you so i didn’t say anything.
But it changes when you told me to give you space..

2019. Mar. 14
It’s your birthday. I wrote a simple yet deep message. I wrote ‘hope it isn’t your first and last birthday we celebrate’… You told me you’ve wanted to spend time with me on your birthday. It felt like you weren’t sure of it. I would have been okay if we didn’t celebrate together but i had to spend some money for that day 🙂
I didn’t care about money when it was about you.

2019. Mar. 17
It’s the day you were angry at me for being late. It’s the first time i was worried to lose your trust. And you… But i was surprised. It felt like you saving up to just throw everything at me. At this point, i knew maybe you were just too different from me. I would have cared more to make the other person have little to now stress but you weren’t afraid. Now that i think, you would have left me if i didn’t cooperate and didn’t go to the cinema. You told me you introduced me to Victoria and maybe you weren’t sure if you should have because she went home right after the movie. I knew something was wrong.

2019. Mar. 18
It’s when i first invited you to my place. I wanted to make everything good because you had a long week from the trip with your friends. And also when you told me you’ve wanted to take another direction in our relationship. I was glad you’ve said that but you seemed unsure. But i knew i had to support you and your stress from the trip.

2019. Mar. 21
It’s the day you’ve asked me if i wanted to become your neighbor. I still think to this day ‘what if?’. What if i was your neighbor? Because i was ready and wanted to be your neighbor. Since then, i knew you wanted to take the relationship more seriously.
I was quite surprised because i thought it would take more time for you to step forward… You’ve told me it would be so much better if i moved in. The things we say right?
It just breaks me that… it at least seemed beautiful.. our relationship..

One day, you’ve woken up at 4AM to tell me you’ve missed me. I just think what if i’ve been there for you? Because i could have.. But i didn’t wanted to pressure you to see me everyday.

2019. Mar. 23
It’s when we’ve helped your neighbor clean his room. It was difficult but i felt good. I felt more closer to you. I was happy to help you. But i wished you knew what you said when you’ve said you valued friendships more than relationships. Nobody from your friends came for you but i was there. I wanted to prove it wrong, that relationships didn’t matter…

2019. Mar. 24
You’ve told me you have risked losing the best boyfriend you’ve ever had. I knew you were drunk but i wanted to believe it and i did…I thought we were on a same page then. But i guess not…

2019. Mar. 24
It’s when we talked about relationship aspects. Letting a stranger from internet to stay at your room. It was normal for boyfriends to worry about that kind of stuff. If you have another one in the future, take care about that 🙂 I didn’t put much pressure and i stepped away once because you became defensive about it. I’ve stepped backwards several times but you were never ready… Just like the day we first met.

2019. Mar. 27
It’s when you asked me which animal i am from your animal doll collection. I didn’t think much back then but i think it was one of the moments you wished i was your ex right? I told i wanted to be the doll A without thinking but you didn’t comment on that.

You’ve asked me few times why i was being nice…
It’s this moment i felt you didn’t actually think of all the things we did and came to the same page. I didn’t know what to say. I knew you didn’t really consider me as a serious boyfriend.. Because it’s normal to be nice to someone when you dearly care and think about him/her.

Now we are nowhere to be seen.. When you just left me at Rosenheim after saying you needed a girl moment, i knew something was wrong even before that. When you didn’t hold my hand.. I just didn’t wanted to admit. Because i tried so hard. I gave what i could to you..
I still don’t understand how you were so calm before i went home. I guess you mentally prepared for it..
During the car ride back home from Rosenheim, i knew what it was going to happen.. I just didn’t wanted to believe it just like how you’ve felt when you got the farewell message from your ex…
I felt all kinds of emotions..

When you came to me at the station to give my stuff back, i was glad to see you but i was just deeply hurt. I knew you were going to move on while i was just standing.. hoping… trying..I guess you’ve learned to avoid getting hurt..

I didn’t take the train you told me to ride.. I waited at the station. I looked out for your car but i couldn’t find it. I was in tears. I felt like i was shot..

When you told me you’ve seen 500 days of Summer, i was glad at first. I kind of expected it wouldn’t be like that.. But it all doesn’t matter.. Life moves on.. Although i’ve waited all nights to get your reply and to just talk to me.. But i know i have to let you go..
I was ready for something more
I wished it to be longer..
But we all wish for something that isn’t there.. I guess..

Just like how you are not over with your past experiences..

I will miss you dearly.. But i guess it has been only me this long..

If you need to talk to someone about anything, i will be here. Like always.

– Alex