Dear You,

I don’t even know how to start this. I don’t know how to put the tornado of thoughts in my mind into words that remotely make sense. All I know is that those thoughts start and end with “I miss you”.

I miss you. Those words seem to be toxic to me every day. You were the first person I fell in love with. The first person who I could tell anything and everything to. You were my best friend. Nowadays it seems like we can’t even form a one-sentence conversation without other people there to ease the awkward tension. That’s not what I want, and I really hope that’s not what you want either, but that’s how it happens to be.

You broke my heart. The words you said to me in my basement with your arm wrapped around me still haunt me: “you realize I would never say or do anything to hurt you”. I know you didn’t want to hurt me after our dreadful phone call that caused me to fall to the floor, but that’s how it happened, that’s how things end. You were my everything. Now that we’re both back home for summer, all of the memories I have of us together come rushing back. Our first kiss in the same kitchen we sat in just yesterday. You were sitting at the table on your phone while I basically watched a movie playback of that night you grabbed me by the waist in an attempt to fulfill your pinky promise. You kissed me. Everywhere I go I am reminded of us and the spectacular summer we spent together one short year ago.

I just don’t get it. It’s been all these months and you seem to be just fine while I’m still suffering. It doesn’t make sense. All I want is for us to be sitting in the midst of that awkward tension and for you to look at me with those ocean blue eyes and say “I miss you”. I guess that’s too much to ask.