I wish things would’ve turned out different

I wish things would’ve turned out different

I wish things would’ve turned out different

Dear T,
You asked me how I was doing. And to be completely honest ever since I read that letter I’ve been a complete mess. 

First I just want to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the way things ended between us. I didn’t mean the things I said and I’m sure you didn’t either. I really did love you. I say did, but to be honest the feeling is still very much present. I love you. And I’m happy for you by the way. Congratulations, getting married is a big deal. Choosing the person you want to share your life with is one of the most important decisions any of us makes. Ever.

Because when it’s wrong it turns your life to grey. And sometimes you don’t even notice until you wake up one morning, and realized you’ve made the biggest mistake. We both know about that one, don’t we? I really do think I made one of the biggest mistakes I can make. No, I know I did. I woke up one morning next to Chris and I knew that it’s wasn’t right for me to be with him when I didn’t feel anything for him anymore, not how I felt for you. We broke up the day after. I just thought you should know because I know you think that we’re still together. It’s funny because when we broke up, you were the first person I want to call. Not because I wanted you (i mean don’t get me wrong i did) but because i wanted to talk to my best friend. We were friends before anything happened, and i feel partly at fault for ruining that.

Your friendship has brought glorious technicolor to my life. It’s been there in the darkest of times, and I am the luckiest person alive to have had it. I hope i didn’t take it for granted. I think maybe I did, because sometimes you don’t see that the best thing that could’ve happened to you is sitting there, right under your nose. And i’m happy for you i really am. Andrea showed me pictures of you and Nicole the other day. I see the way you look at her, I know because you used to look at me that way. I hope she’s the right one for you. To be honest, some small part of me back in Peru thought it was going to be you and me. But I know, Nicole, and I know she’s a good person. You know? She’s smart and she’s beautiful and even though she literally looks like a greek goddess I can’t find any reason to hate her. But am I okay with this? No.

    I didn’t expect this to happen. I really didn’t. I thought I could go back and everything would go back to normal. Like how it always was. Because you never think the last time is the last time. You think there will be more. You think you have forever but you don’t. But this isn’t regret. Or maybe it is. Honestly i’m feeling so many different things right now I don’t know what this is. You changed my life without even trying and I don’t think I could ever tell you how much you mean to me. I cant imagine what things would be like if I hadn’t met you. You even made me question everything I believe in. I used to think everything was a coincidence. That that was all anything was, nothing more than coincidence. Everything that happened these passed few months, from that night at the beach with you to breaking up with Chris to getting the letter from you, made me realize that that’s not possible. You know what sucks? Realizing that everything you believe in is complete and utter crap. 

    Just so you know there’s a corner of my heart that’s yours. And I don’t mean for now, or until I’ve found someone new, I mean forever. I mean to say that whether I fall in love a thousand times over or once or never again, they’ll always be a small place in my heart that belongs to you. 
I just wish it would’ve turned out differently you know? You know what? I don’t think it was the timing or that we were at different points in our lives. I think that if you put us at any time, at any age it still would’ve turned out the same. We were just something that wasn’t supposed to happen and that was the only issue. Or who knows, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe one day we’ll meet again, when we’re different people. Maybe then we’ll be better for each other. 

With love,


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