I know this is hard

I know this is hard

I know this is hard

I know you are much more upset than I am and I feel so sad about that. I’m sorry that you don’t understand this right now, but hopefully, one day, you will. 

I will never bad mouth you to anyone, but I know you will bad mouth me. You and your family will have roast sessions about me, and it breaks my heart to know how conditional their love was for me.

You and I wouldn’t give each other the lives that both of us deserve. You are always in a rut and you thrive in consistency and comfort. I am independent, spontaneous, and adventurous. You were always jealous of the fact that I could spend time alone happily; that I have a life that doesn’t orbit around you and your immediate needs. You are jealous and untrusting and it consumed me to the point that I felt that I was under a microscope no matter what I did.

You didn’t want better for yourself. You didn’t want to be organized or healthy or happy. You didn’t want to be independent or self sufficient. You didn’t strive for more in life and your insecurities held you hostage in a way that only you could change it. Only you could make it better and you didn’t have the drive to do it. My hands were tied.

You expected me to carry your burdens and you brushed off mine. It wasn’t always that way, it just became that way over time. From the unhealthy codependency with your family, to the lack of effort in your friendships, to the lack of responsibility for yourself and your actions….. It just built up and I buckled under the weight of it all.

Despite all of these things, I know I have my imperfections. I know I am someone that isolates myself from the world when I am stressed. I’m not communicative about the struggles and insecurities of my own in fear of driving others away. I project my traumas onto my partner and I try a great deal not to do that. I let things build up so much that it causes me to become so emotionally exhausted that I become explosive. That doesn’t serve you. I am not sensitive to the fact that you were brought up differently than me and that you are just as much of a product of your environment as I am. I could have been better about that, without a shadow of a doubt.

This didn’t come from hating you or getting bored. We grew a lot, just in separate directions. You have a wealth of admirable qualities and I know that there is a girl out there who will be comfortable and compatible for you. You’re so charming, kind, funny, and family-oriented. Those are some solid strengths that someone will certainly appreciate. However, the weaknesses we both had made things go sour.

I became resentful of you over time. I started to feel exhausted by the emotionally taxing nature of our relationship dynamic. It was exhausting to feel like your caregiver. It was exhausting to constantly have to explain myself no mater how minute the action. It was exhausting to be yelled at and guilt-tripped for wanting times with my friends independent of you. It was exhausting to feel like I had to carry all of my baggage and yours.

You will get through this and so will I. I hope you can soften your heart about the situation and someday you can look back at our relationship fondly and take the lessons we both learned in stride. 

I wish you a long, happy, healthy, life filled with an abundance of love and simplicity. 



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