I had so many dreams of you and me. Dreams of a happy ending someday. But I realize now that I am not a princess and this is not a fairytale and dreams don’t come true. I was never meant to be happy. I was stupid and naive. Slowly, the darkness that I have lived in before you came into my life, is slowly creeping back in. I’m slowly being swallowed by numbness and emptiness once again. Pulling me into the depressed lost person I hated staring back at me whenever I looked in the mirror. I’m sort of glad it happened because it hurts less than the pain of being left alone.
I made a promise to myself to never feel this way again. The emptiness is far too great for me to endure and it makes it hard for me to breathe at times. It would help if there weren’t so many memories of us in every place I look in and every song I hear. Sometimes a memory will creep in and I will smile for a brief second before reality slams me back into myself again. You showed me what true love feels like and for a while I got to live in the light of something so unbelievable. I understand that you can’t make your heart feel something that it doesn’t. You can’t make yourself love me or miss me anymore than I can make myself stop loving, missing and needing you so much. I have to learn to live without you in my life. Someday I will. But till that day comes I will keep my heart under lock and key cuz I realize that no one can break your heart if you didn’t give it to them in the first place.
So this is the last broken heart I will have to live through and that realization helps the numbness settle in deeper. I will never let my guard down and give my heart or myself to another. I’m done. I finally figured out that it was never God’s intention for me to be happy. His plan was for me to live in pain and misery. To live with mixed emotions and uncertainty. To be given a taste of love and happiness only to have it ripped from my heart at the very last minute. The way He did when you were taken away from me. He opened up your eyes and made you realize that I was not your destiny, nor you mine.
My search for love is over. I don’t trust or will ever trust any man ever again so my goal now is to find myself. Alone is what He had in his plans. Now at least I know that this was what I’m supposed to be looking forward to. It’s closure for me. The way I see it, is if there really is a God then why do I feel as if I have no soul? Why am I always so unhappy? I think it’s a little late be asking these questions now. I’m just happy that I had the chance to enjoy my time with you and had the opportunity to know what it feels like to be loved, really loved, and In love with such an incredible, unbelievable person such as yourself.
Maybe one day when all my tears for you stop, I will be able to at least hold onto and remember our good times. It’s forever etched in my memory and in my heart and will play it back constantly. From here on out, there could never be any more happiness in my life anymore than when we were together. I could never wish you any bad. I could never want you to feel the pain and sorrow I feel but I couldn’t do that to someone I love and would die for. Thank you for the wonderful memories Albert, and thank you for letting me live like a princess, your princess, even if it was only for a short time and not forever the way I had hoped it would be. Goodbye and good luck. With Every Beat of My Broken Heart,