Amorcito, Where do I begin?
Lifelong friends. Punks. Have always confided in eachother. Have always been there for one another through the ups and downs of our crazy lives. For every family situation, for every life altering scenario, for every break up. We were amazing friends. The kind of friendship that made those who surrounded me envious.
After a long walk on the beach, we made a promise to eachother opening and closing the box of which our friendship resided in for something greater. And then we began dating. We made amazing memories, and had made plenty of grown up decisions together. I thought everything was going great, and you did too. You asked me to start sleeping over, and I did almost immediately. You and I went everywhere and did everything together. I always made myself available for you. You only live a few houses away. We had our ups and downs, navigating our relationship is definitely one for the books.
You broke up with me via a change to your facebook status on our 9 month celebration. Then proceeded to send me a text message. Then you called me. Just…wow. I’m still at a loss for words. I thought you had a tad more respect for me.
You insisted on continuing our friendship the way it was, but you dont understand how hard that is for me. I let you in. And you left me here. I’ve never broken up any past relationship of mine. I’ve never willingly gave up on someone and walked away from them. And I’m really tired of being given up on. You gave up on the idea of us because of emotions you face and dont know how to handle.
Continuing to be this friend to you, I have learned that it hurts tremendously. I love and care for you so much. I wish you would come back to me. I feel so submissive to you, and I know I would give you a million of chances to make things right. I will always forgive you. My friends tell me I’m too generous with all considering.
Today, you confided in me. Hinted to me that you still had feelings for another very significant woman in your life. That those feelings have been a weight on your chest for years, and that you cant seem to shake them. During our conversation, you werent sure if you should go back to her. The lying, cheating woman, who took advantage of you and kicked you out.
Trying to put on the friend hat was hard enough, especially because I still have so many feelings for you. but after hearing that you werent over this one horrid woman you allowed in your life…that cut really close to home. The idea that you werent over her those 9 months we spent together.
It was a tough pill to swallow. Suffering from anxiety and most likely depression, I tend to over think absolutely everything. and that really put me through it.
I considered a lot after that conversation. I considered continuing to be that rock in your life that you could always come to…but I also considered letting go. Entirely. And right now, one of those two options would hurt me, and one would hurt you, but the question is which one would hurt who the most?
I’m tired of feeling sad. I’m tired of being hurt by you and feeling emotional pain from you. The head games are enough.I’m dying from this broken heart, and although you realize…you are trying your best to put up the front as if you don’t care.
With regards to the whole open and closed box promise we made from the get go, you still have that bright orange box I gave you that had all of your stuff in it…and more. Loose pictures and framed ones with memories on the back. Tickets from our first outing to my favorite arcade. Car show tickets…a letter to the love of my life…and so much more.
Giving you a physical box was my way of closing our relationship…and handing you the box was the worst feeling in the world.
You still haven’t opened this box and i hope you do soon.
because I’m waiting for the day you realize how stupid your decision was to walk away from me like that. and I’m waiting for the day you realize that i will never stop loving and caring for you the way I had. waiting for the day to relish in the moment.
But if that day ever comes…I don’t know what I would do. I would fear it ending the same way it did this time around, and I don’t think I could make it through another fall this hard. I’m not looking for another relationship. I’m tired of being given up on, and no one will ever be able to fill the void that I’m currently facing.
…so…I still love you. Even through all of this mess. and sometimes I really hate that I do. But if you one day choose to love me the same way i still and forever will love you, i cant wait for it.