Everything I wish I could say to you

Everything I wish I could say to you

Everything I wish I could say to you

May 30, 2019. The happiest day of my life. I got asked out by my dream boy. He was tall athletic blonde curly soft hair that bounced when he would run to me. Big blue dreamy oceanic eyes. The way he looked at me with them i swear i could see my entire future. I swore he was just as in love with me as i was with him. The softness of his hands on my face and in my hands. The way my head fit perfectly on his shoulder and how he always held me and made me feel so safe. The amount of times he scared me and i screamed. I miss him. A lot. I’ll probably never see him again.

June 23, 2019. My heart was ripped out of my chest. He broke up with me. “I love you forever remember that” oh my god when i tell you i haven’t stopped crying i literally mean i’ve cried myself to sleep every night since then. Everyone thought we were that forever couple. No one thought we would break up so soon. Especially me. I wanted him to be mine forever and that’s still a possibility but i don’t know. He’s moving to Florida and i don’t know how i’m gonna survive the rest of high school without his annoying ass bothering me every 5 seconds. I hope he feels the same way. I hope he loves me. I hope he keeps all my scrunchys and dosen’t let me go. I’ll never see him again, unless i tell him i need to see him again but i’m too scared. I miss him so much i just need his arms around me and i need him to tell me it’s gonna be okay. But it won’t be okay but i refuse to accept that.

I remember the day we first kissed. Oh myy was it magical. It was his birthday so that was good. I got him dunkin in the morning and he was really happy and wouldn’t stop hugging me. It was cute ngl. Then i met up with him during kinch and he came back to the office with me and my friends and i left for like 2 seconds and he told my best friend he was gonna kiss me after school so you know my heart said yeet. Okay so after school we were walking from dunkin to mcdonald’s and we were taking the back way with our friends halle tyler robbie and shannon but me and him were far from them doing our own thing. He was holding my dunkin cuz it was leaking and we were just laughing and so so happy and he put his hand out and i looked at him with a smile and grabbed his hand. We were very happy. When we kissed ngl it was awkward but it was cute i just wanted to keep kissing him but i had to leave. I refuse to love him this much but i can’t help it. He’s the love of my life. He’s my whole world and i won’t give up on him. If we don’t find each other somewhere along the line in the future i wont live the life i was supposed to with him. John is the forever one and only love of my life. </3

April 10, 2020. It’s been a few months since read this. I was doing good. I still miss him. I moved on tho. I’m dating Alain and i’m so happy. But i miss him so much. I knew it would be bad but this bad?? I found his tik tok and his girlfriends tik tok. It kinda hurt seeing them happy. I wish he would call me. I wanna bear his voice. I used to think that if we didn’t date i wouldn’t go through this pain but then i realized i didn’t get attached to having a relationship with him i got attached to the fact that he was my best friend and that i trusted him with my life.

May 2020, it’s been about a month and half since i last wrote. I’m no longer dating Alain. We ended on good terms tho. We ended because of you. Its always you. It’s always gonna be you. I wish you weren’t the one in control of my decision. I wish i could say goodbye and move on like you, but i cant. That’s not humanly. Anyways. Quarantine sucks but it’d suck a lot less if you kept ur promise and stayed my best friend


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