I have read that long letters to you can only create more powerlessness to myself. What power I have is still to be found. Even while I was “with you” I had this helpless sense that my dignity did not matter. When I thought of you my sense of self seemed to form into someone mighty, an everlasting flow of love, a relaxing of tension yet at the same time a careful dance to stay in your good graces. I don’t want this to be perfect. I want to share my natural glowing heart so that I can release this for my own sanity. I reflect on moments that I know I am ashamed of. I still try to protect you even though I don’t have to… hiding the pain that you’ve caused me away from family.. just as I hid them to protect you in love.
I wanted to answer your wish. I can tell you what it is to be in love. It is this. It is knowing that you will never see the woman that you love in person. It is knowing that you will never see me cry these heartbreaking tears every April. It is knowing that when I was being my full authentic queer self that you lied every time you imagined a future with us together… the Vacation that you were supposed to pay for us. I am sure you know that I lied about not wanting to have a sacred energy exchange with you. I did want to experience what it is like with you. I don’t know if I will ever understand for many years why you would tell me that was true when you knew my inexperience and depth of vulnerability. How hard it was for me to talk to you. Like every crush I revert to a shocked doe. I am actually impressed at my effort to even express who I am to you in the first place. How confident, mindful, charismatic, poised, self assured you seemed. I could never speak to you in person. I would have probably walked past you and your boyfriend and touched myself while I dreamed that you’d leave me for him ( maybe if I had an exchanged anatomy or came upon some wealth or valuable skill) I guess it feels good that you will never see this.
I want you to know that although I am still upset from losing our relationship that I am in a stronger and much more open place. I make more choices for my own good in health and not for a choice of my secret desire… like getting a Girlfriend or occupying my time with trying to make you feel pleasure from me. I don’t know what that is called … maybe wanting you to feed off of me.
Wanting you to extract my love and inject it as your lifeblood. I subconsciously honor you and I hope somehow in your body you can feel that. I have moved on from so many damaging relationships. I have a whole new life honestly! I am able to affirm myself in my mirror, take risks, put myself out there ( even though it’s so scary), ask for permission before and after I end a conversation, and I limit my ability to take this personally due to response time. I know why I can’t have you in my life. You abused me willingly.
It was during our relationship ( by withholding your truth about not having romantic feelings for me back) you held me down by my deepest want. I don’t know how you could not know how many ways and strategic planning ( ALL from my own mind and with some relationship advice from my Counselor once or twice) I created in your honor. You may not know but I swept floors at my job with such pride and feeling of purpose because I wanted you to be happy in our relationship. It was after our relationship when you abused me. For almost a year after you decided that we would not be together you let me reach out heartfelt and pure. My apologies, questions, bids for connection. All ignored. It would be nice to know why.
I get it clingy ( anxiously attached and also not getting my needs met for others) and not having much self love at that time. But even if you became desensitized to emotions of romance or adoration why continue for months on end with me? I realize a lot of things that I did not know in healthy relationships today. 1.) Commitment to any sort of relationship ( friend or otherwise) 2.) The first time that you don’t show up for me is a red flag to watch out and avoid ( meaning saying that you will do something or message me and don’t do it) 3.) Words and actions matter 4.) Share something concrete about your life if I am sharing more than enough
5.) When you first wanted to leave, leave for good.
I dragged out suffering for you. I don’t want to detach about who did this. It was my own black queer woman. You betrayed me, stole my sacred womb function, you caused me mental compulsions, cravings, panic attacks, crying mornings and nights, caused me to stalk your social media for months, caused me to keep faith and hope for us, and sincerity of my heart was molested. I feel like you will never know how deep you hurt me unless you stepped into my body just for one day. And yes I did not tell you that you were my first. I still can’t believe that it was real because of how many emotions I have felt these past few years towards you.
If you ever wondered if I loved you. I did.
I cannot love someone that says to “Never forget” that I love her, and not even check if I am alive once or twice in the year. I can’t love you if you were cheating on me. I can’t love you if you couldn’t respond when I had my first Surgery, or all of the holidays even when I was blocked that I wished just for you. My life revolved on the steps of your soul existing in harmony. How could you let me be your world? I just don’t understand how another woman could hold such cruelty for another that would give you anything but never laid eyes on you.
I know that our balance was uneven from the start. Letting myself feel that I want you to be the mother of my children, to watch you grow older, to be there for your milestones, to see your family heal, to see you come out truly on top.. I can’t do that to myself or my future. I am happy to be writing this to the Universe. God knows that I have been held in this chokehold spiritually. As I am still being able to feel my actual reality and be present in who I have become, I know that our relationship was not in vain. You have given me some of my most raw work, you showed me that courage can lead to real love ( if both parties of authentic), you remind me constantly ( with your voice plastered in my mind) to not live a hustle and bustle lifestyle as a black Woman, that I am beautiful not matter what anyone says, that I should be proud of who I am as a black queer person, that “someone else’s love cannot save me”.. that my body should and will be my temple.
I cannot forget those words that you so willingly shared. But yet I can’t be your friend or love of any capacity in this lifetime. I can’t endure seeing you with anyone. I can’t endure you enjoying your life without me in it. I can’t endure you finally not struggling looking around at your loved ones and being content that I am not one of them. May I free myself from any remaining emotional bonds. May my God take the shame of my actions burn and release them as ash into the mysterious ocean. May my God allow me to trust that it is supposed to be this way. May God set the balance right for both of our highest good. May you feel happy, protected, guided, secure, loved by your family and friends, treasured not by what you can give but who you are authentically. May our love not be in vain but anything that was true be gratefully given back to our creator ( on Earth and in spirit) May God energize and protect us for the next chapter in our journey with confidence and no ill will. May I not be ashamed but free soon and very soon as I work to become pure love to as many others as I can ( and to myself) alive and in my being actively.
( Please excuse typos future self! )
I am free