Dear M

I’m happy. I’m no longer clouded by dark thoughts. I honestly wake up feeling great everyday. And, it’s no thanks to you. I’m glad I broke up with you. I wasted years being sad for nothing.

That said, I still wish things were different. I wish you had been the person I so desperately wanted you to be. You taught me what pure, innocent love was, just because that’s what I felt for you. It tragically twisted and became something entirely different, but that’s what it started out as. I’ve never, and probably never will, experience anything similar again. I’m not the kind to fall in love. But I did for you. You were everything I had dreamed of. The laughters and the conversations of us walking in the snow was probably my favorite. I know it’s small, and it’s years ago now, but I was truly, truly ecstatic with my life then. It just felt like it was just you and me. Now in retrospect, I realize those memories and those events weren’t really at all what I imagined them to be when they happened. But I’m glad I got to experience it, even though it was onesided. 

I still love you, but it’s different. It’s loving you from afar and still choosing myself over you. It’s not a selfless love. I want the best for you. I want you to get those grades, get that job, and even if it’s in the cards, another girlfriend. I hope you treat her the way you should have treated me. I just want you to be happy. I also, selfishly, want you to not hate me. Forgetting me would probably be better, honestly. I wonder if you’re okay. I wonder if you’re crying in bed, or if you curse my name under your breath, or if you simply don’t think about me. Either option is okay. Either way, I hope the WoW expansion is treating you well. I hope you’re eating well and not drinking. I hope you called your mom and talked about your feelings, but you probably haven’t. 

I don’t talk about you to anyone. Everyone thinks I’m completely over you. They told me they could hear it in my voice, and that I sound different, and happier and bubblier. It’s true. I am different, and I’m relieved to still realize that I never was entirely broken. 

But I still hope there are parallel universes. And I hope there is one where I was my best self, and you were too, and that we met and fell in love, the proper way. And that they live happily ever after.


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