Dear Robert,

Go f*** yourself. Literally. Then you can do women all a favour and leave us alone since you don’t seem to need us for anything else except maybe folding your laundry and washing your dishes. You are a f***ing child. A pathetic little boy with your weed and video game addictions. You didn’t see a future with me because you are afraid of leader types. You know? The type of woman who wants more from life than to mother a grown ass man. The type who is ambitious and sees through your bullshit.

You are a coward. You numb your pain with pot all day because you’re scared of your emotions. You eat animal carcasses because you are a flaccid little bitch and you don’t think for yourself. You don’t mind the horrible abuse animals suffer for the ‘food’ that’s giving you heart disease and killing our planet when you could’ve just had some beans for protein instead. In fact you kind of like it, because picking on someone helpless and innocent makes you feel tough. 

I see through you. You’re boring. You are so f**king boring and lame. You actually draw pretty well, I’ll give you that, but your writing sucks. You think you’re deep, but you’re not. You’re generic, yawn. You listen to sad love songs as if you give a f**k. You didn’t even f**king like me, you made that clear. And then you got frustrated when I wasn’t stupid enough to believe the incoherent sh*t you would spew from the second rectum that sits below your nose. You are right though. You never would’ve worked long-term with me. You try to make it out like I wasn’t good enough to be your wife or have you babies. You lie to yourself to protect your ego, because deep down you really know it’s the other way around. You think you’re an adult because you work at the hospital, but you don’t make good enough money to hate your job so much. 

You are unambitious and I threaten you. Maybe you’ll talk about me just how you talked about your exes before me. They were “crazy,” right? Or were they just smarter than you too? Did you just feel the need to invalidate their feelings to make yourself feel better too? Of course. Healthy adult men don’t gaslight strong women, you wuss. 

Whenever you do find the woman you will work long term with will you stop resting on that devoid of accountability excuse you love so much? “I’m just an asshole.” Will you stop saying that and try to do better? Or will you scroll on your phone at dinners with her too. Will your douchey weed withdrawals ruin your vacations together? Will you still key slurs into people’s cars for parking poorly? Will you stay avoiding responsibility and coasting at the bare minimum? Will she have to make good money, raise your kids and do all the cooking and chores while you complain about your dumb job and chief your bong on the couch? Will she be expected to give you massages and suck your d*ck daily while you return the favour once in a blue moon? Will her only interest be doing her makeup and getting her nails done, because anything else will bore you? Will you even actually talk or have conversations with her? 

You’re not as hot as you think you are, dude. Even if you were, do you really think any self respecting queen would actually stick around for all that? Or maybe if she is better than me somehow, maybe if she has straight long hair and likes anime and doesn’t talk much or even care really about much of anything substantial then you wont say “I’m just not perfect.” Then you might actually work on yourself? Yeah I get it, maybe you could be better, but not for me because I don’t fit into your lame ass future. Well good luck with that. You’ll probably end up adopting some asian orphan who doesn’t know any better and coerce her into marrying you just like Woody Allen or your asshole father. 

I’d be lying to say I’m not mad. More than anything I’m mad at myself because I didn’t see a future with you either, but I let you feel like it was your decision. You made me feel like it’s because I’m like this that you didn’t want me. Because I’m outspoken, no bullsh*t and I’m passionate about things that make people uncomfortable. But that isn’t even true. I was nice to you most of the time. I did all those things you wanted, cooking and cleaning and doting on you. And I always asked about your day and listened, and I didn’t shove veganism down your throat I just tried to show you my perspective and you didn’t want to even hear it. And when we fought I told you I just wanted to work it out. You told me you’d rather break up than even try. Pathetic. I didn’t deserve that, but you do deserve to be alone. So don’t ever forget that I chose to leave and you cried and asked me to stay. Sorry that it hurts you too much to admit I was worth trying for, and that no amount of trying would’ve ever put you in my league.

I don’t know why I loved you, but I did. So thanks for all the lessons and the pain that will help prepare me for a cool ass dude who actually fits into my dope future. 

Sincerely, The Bad Bitch Who Dumped Your Boring Ass