My therapist tells me that I am very self-aware. In honesty
though, being self-aware while in love is just painful. It’s funny because I
would read poetry from Sapphos at Bucknell about love and unrequited love. I would
read the poems but never really understand. Look at how things changed. These poems were beautiful too you know, the feelings of one-sided love. 

I guess what bothers me is how irrational my feelings for
you make me. To carry on and perpetually throw myself in feelings of misery despite
the endless rejections impresses me. I can tell that you are gradually
becoming erased from my mind. I don’t remember a lot of memories. I don’t bring
you up in conversations anymore. I live a life where you are not in it. 

Soon after the breakup, I would remember the most bizarre and
intimate memories that I shared with you. Memories that would have become lost
if I was with you. You know one day this will also be a memory. After you
stopped talking to me you’re a bit frozen. Cold. I’m like a dog licking an
empty can. 

There is a meditation on grief that I have gone over more
times than I can count over the past months. At this point, I’ve practically
memorized it. In the end, the meditation lady shares a quote by Mary Oliver. 

“to live in this world

you must be able

to do three things

to love what is mortal;

to hold it

against your bones knowing

your own life depends on it;

and, when the time comes to let it go,

to let it go”

I’ve never been the best at letting go. Like a breeze sweeping
through. I can sit and feel the breeze but once it ends I am sad and go chasing
for it. And I guess this is where the awareness part comes in. When I am
holding on to you so tightly, I am actively saying no to all the wonderful
future yous of my life. 

Then again that’s not really true. I’ve experienced
countless moments of pure peace, bliss, and happiness after we broke up. No
feeling is ever temporary, so I’d be lying if I said these months have been torture.
Sometimes just breathing is an accomplishment and you bet your ass that I tell
myself that every day. Why am I telling you this? Gosh, I don’t know. Maybe to show
you that anything that happens in life is ok because eventually, you survive and
find another life to live. 

I’ve written more than 10,000 words about you to you, 8k of
which is saved on my computer. Listening is a virtue respected over talking. Because
my conversations with you just involve me, all I listen to are my thoughts and
I write them down for you and me. Just because you want to listen doesn’t mean
that you deserve to hear them. 

I often think about how cruel you are. But cruelty is so
subjective. In my mind, I am everything all in one. I am the villain, the protagonist,
and everything in between. How can someone that once loved me so deeply treat
me so cold? It is not hate that you show that hurts but indifference and
somehow that’s a million times more sharp and painful. 

Am I listening to you? Maybe I am listening to everything
you’re saying and expressing with my actions that what I feel and believe is
grander than what you feel and believe. 

Why does it feel like a crime to desire someone you love? How
can I not hold onto the hope of you in a life that has tasted bitter? It is like
you still move through me. When I am picking what to wear, I am thinking of what
I would wear if I went on a date with you again. When I am watching a movie, I
am thinking about the feelings I’d feel if I made popcorn in the kitchen and while
you laid on the couch waiting for me to finish. When I’m working in the morning,
I think about looking over at my bed and imaging you are lying there waiting
for me to finish so we can cuddle. And then you would cuddle me and tell me how
good I am at talking to people and helping them through their problems. When I’m
sitting out in my balcony looking over the sunset and drinking, I think of you
looking at me looking at the sunset and smiling. I think about you in the
shower when I wash my hair and when I cry. You cross my mind when I am laughing
and dancing in the rain. 

Am I really happy if even in the moments of pure bliss I
think of you? 

“Grief is a sign that we loved or were loved greatly…here is
the thing. With death, our relationships with the ones we loved and who loved us
doesn’t end. Ever. We often can’t see this in the days and weeks and months that
follow the loss of someone we love … those who we lose remain with us because that’s
what love does. It stays.” From the meditation 😛

Thank you for loving me greatly and staying, miss you.