It still hurts

It still hurts

It still hurts

In exactly 5 days, it will be a year since we ended things, and 5 months since you’ve been blocked. I told myself that by now, I would be over you. I kept telling myself that by the time a year came around, I’d be okay. That’s not the case. It seems like it’s just now hitting me that I will never hold you again. I will never feel your lips against mine, and I will never be able to bury my head into your familiar arms again. It’s hitting me that it’s over now. There is no chance of us falling in love again. There is no chance of laughing with you just one more time, and that completely breaks me every time I have that realization. I’ve tried. I’ve tried finding someone, I’ve tried being happy, but anytime I feel slight joy, I look for you. In a crowded room as I am laughing with someone new, I look for you. 

I don’t fool myself. I know that our relationship was far from perfect, but my god when we were good…. we were unstoppable. I also know that when we were bad there was nothing that could save us except for us to choose one another. I guess along the way we stopped choosing one another, and that’s when our downfall came. When it was easier to walk away than to fight for the other, I knew it was over.. I’ll never understand why you chose to walk away without a fight, and I have to be okay with never understanding why. I’ve learned to let go in most ways. I’ve learned how to go out with new people. I’ve learned how to sleep even with that empty pit in my stomach. I’ve learned who to go to now when my heart is breaking, or when I am on top of the world. What I haven’t learned, is how to fix myself so that someone cannot leave me so broken again. Hopefully, one day, I won’t feel the need to write you a letter. 3 years just went by in the blink of an eye, I never would have thought we wouldn’t make it here. A lifetime of plans, gone in just a split second. It’s been a long fight my love. I’ll love you forever in spite of everything that we’ve been through. You were my soulmate for a short chapter in my life, and the love we built on a good day, just can’t be forgotten. I know you know that. 

I miss you, so much, but we both know I would never tell you that. You found someone new, and that’s okay. My heart is learning to be okay that you chose someone over the years we had together, even if it breaks anytime I think about it. I don’t know that I will ever understand why you chose her, but that’s okay, all I want is for you to live a life with no regrets

In the end we had our reasons for leaving the other but, at the start, we didn’t need any reasons to fall in love, we just did.


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