No one tells you when you’re younger about how to deal with losing someone you don’t want to lose. Even if they aren’t prince charming, how can you let go of love? I wasn’t sure I believed in love especially after coming out of an 8 month abusive (physically and emotionally) relationship. But as all stories go, here comes the part of when I met you. The guy who actually just wanted to watch a movie with me and not get under my clothes. The guy who would go on 2am walks because I had night terrors and couldn’t sleep away my tumultuous past. What I didn’t know at the time is that you weren’t capable of love, you couldn’t feel.
I grew out of my numbness because at the time I thought you were teaching me how but what I realized is that I was your scapegoat to your own past. I was the wall blocking you from the skeletons in your closet. You couldn’t feel because you went through abuse too and I wasn’t able to help you through that like you helped me. You weren’t ready for love and you weren’t going to let me in. I understand that now.
What I can’t understand is how you let me go. How you texted me one word answers while you knew I was crying for days on end. I can’t understand how you could drink at night knowing how heart broken you made me feel from you not feeling at all. Sorry is a word I’ve heard from a lot of men and none of them meant it. So when you say sorry to me now, I want to feel it, not just hear the words slip off your tongue a dozen times. I want to see the man who went on those 2am walks and surprised me with McDonalds in my room when I was sad.
And here’s the thing I can’t tell you because I still love you and don’t want to hurt you. But in a way you hurt me more than my abuser probably because I didn’t think you would make me feel this way at the end. I thought you were the one, not even to marry but the one who would would show me this is how loving someone is supposed to be. On the phone you say you care but you don’t show it. Those are just words because you would rather workout then sit with me and do whatever it takes to have me not cry.
A long time ago I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t let the abuse I went through affect the way I treated others. I remember when I let it affect you when we first met and I vowed to never have that happen again. You need to find that promise in yourself. If you keep treating people who love you the way you treated me, you will hurt others more than you are hurting you.
I know you are intelligent enough to understand that you need help. Now my vows go beyond that, I now vow to never be with a man like you. With a man who is okay knowing that I am hurting so much inside.
I can’t hate you because with hate comes a void that’s never filled. I am forgiving you for the hurt you caused me because just like how I wont let my abuser change the way I react and treat people, I am not going to let you change the way I view love and relationships. I really did love you, so much that I allowed to be heartbroken because I was vulnerable. I wish you the best life you can possibly have and in all honesty I really hope you can deal with your past and move forward to love someone one day. Make them feel the way I wish I did. You are capable of anything and are so strong and I know that you can get through it. You can be your own hero too.
Only with Love,