It’s been almost two months since I broke things off between us. In my mind, though, I felt as though we’d already been apart months before that. I was too scared to admit it at the time because I was scared of a life where I didn’t love you. I didn’t want to hurt you and it took me too long to realize that not telling you how I was feeling hurts you more. I remember repeating the conversation I wanted to have and playing it over and over in my head before you came over that day. I knew I needed to end it because dragging it out any further wasn’t fair to either of us. 

“I don’t think were good for each other anymore” When the words left my mouth I knew I just crossed into a place I couldn’t return from. Seeing your face made me want to take them back. It made me question even bit of serenity I had previously felt in knowing I wouldn’t be hurting you anymore. I wanted to take them back, but in the back of my mind, I knew this was for the best. As much as I wanted to stay as close as we were, I couldn’t help that my feelings had changed. I hate that they did. I wish we could have stayed together for another two years. I wish I still loved you.Loving you always came easy. For awhile that was the only thing I was sure of: I loved you. We were perfect for each other but I had to ruin it. Whether it was pettiness or just plain mean, I always found a way to fuck it up and I’m sorry. I deserved every single horrible thing you said to me when we broke up. I understand that I was horrible to you and I wish I hadn’t been. I wish I could have been better. I wish I deserved all the love you gave, but I know I never will. 

I tried  to make the break up as easy as possible for you. I didn’t want to tell you that I didn’t feel like you cared about what I had to say. I didn’t want to tell you that I was put in a position where I didn’t think I could talk to you about how I was feeling in the relationship. I didn’t want to tell you how many times I didn’t feel respected. I should have and I’m sorry I didn’t try harder to fix the relationship. Maybe I should have just sucked it up and tried to have the conversation we’d had 10 times before. Maybe it would have ended differently this time. I guess I’ll never know. As much as I tried to make it all easier for you, I never felt like you cared about doing anything for me. I refused to tell you how shitty I was feeling about the whole situation because I didn’t want to put you in a bad place. I never wanted to make you feel worse just because I was. I never felt like you had the same care for me. You always claim to have my best interest in heart, and up until the week after our break up, I believed you.

“fuck you” 
That was the text you sent me after you removed me as a friend on snapchat. I still remember the feeling of hurt that washed over my chest. How I was embarrassed when Iman looked over my shoulder and saw it despite me trying to hide it. How my throat started to burn because I didn’t want them to see me cry. I could barely read the rest of the texts you sent me through my blurred vision. I remember getting home and calling you because I didn’t understand what happened to make you so mad. I thought I made it easy for you. I thought trying to be nice through the whole thing would make you not hate me. I couldn’t live with myself if I did something to make you hate me. I remember realizing that night that I couldn’t have someone constantly reminding me of how shitty I was to someone. I hate hurting people. I hate being the reason behind anyones pain, and I was the reason behind yours. 

Somehow you convinced me you didn’t mean it and told me you still wanted to be friends. I remember feeling like it was a bad idea because I didn’t want to hurt you again but ignoring it because having me in your life seemed like what you wanted most in that moment. I didn’t want to make it worse for you, despite my worries. I know now, I may have just been dragging out the inevitable. 

I got a feeling that you were catching feelings again at the apartment. I know I shouldn’t have gone but I really wanted to spend time with you. I really wanted to believe that we could just be friends. But again, I was wrong. A couple weeks later you FaceTimed me and told me you still loved me. You made me say really hurtful things to you so you could move on. I hated it. Just like every other time, you didn’t care about how this would affect me. You didn’t care that I didn’t want to. I wish I didn’t have to do that. Only after I broke down did you care. You didn’t notice my pain until it was thrown in your face. Maybe it was unfair of me to think you would notice, much less that you’d care. We were broken up after all. I guess I still hoped a part of you didn’t want to hurt me. I hoped you still had my best interest at heart. I think that was me being selfish. 

in the following week you told me that you agreed what you’d made me do was fucked up but still told me it worked. I don’t know why that upset me so much. Maybe it was the fact that I had tried to be so nice to you through the whole thing but the one time I was forced to be mean, you can move on. Maybe I was still upset that I didn’t feel cared about anymore. I don’t know what it was. All I knew was that I couldn’t have a relationship with you anymore. I knew that I couldn’t handle being hurt over and over and over again. I couldn’t be your crutch through our breakup. For once, I had to try to be nice to myself during the breakup. I couldn’t be your friend anymore. When I removed you, I felt my heart sink. Despite how hard I tried to keep a relationship with you, I couldn’t. I’d failed. 

I’ve been trying to keep my mind away from you and our relationship. I’ve been trying to move on from us. Anytime I let my mind slip away, I can’t help but feel like a huge fuck-up. How did I manage to ruin something that seemed so good? Anytime I feel bad about it, I find myself wishing I could get one last hug from you. A connection ended over text seems so incomplete. 

I don’t really know how to end this. I think I just needed to write down all of my thoughts in one place so I could have them for me. I guess I’m hopeful for a reunion but I don’t even know what that would look like. I don’t know if its even a good idea for us to be friends, much less a couple, even if it is more than 4 years from now. I guess I just don’t know what to do anymore.