To the one that I let slip away

When you came into my life I was not the woman I am today. I was foolish and worried so much about what others thought. I had no self confidence and felt like I was never good enough.

The time I had with you was all too short. But you gave me the best life I could have ever imagined. It is only now- Four years from our breakup that I can see how things were and admit how I failed you. How I failed us.

Deep down I never felt good enough and I pushed you away. I hated myself because I never had the money. Could never get you the best or right birthday gift. I compared myself to others in your life and felt lacking. I convinced myself that one day you would get bored and leave me. So unconsciously I forced your hand. I made it so you wanted to leave.  To this day I remember that break up. Where I could see you battling to stay or go and how I took it upon myself to give you the tool you thought you needed to go. How you said that you couldn’t believe you felt that you had to go because I was perfect for you. And how I lied and told you I never wanted kids. I lied because I felt that you finally saw me for how lacking I was. I gave you that final push to go. Believe me I play it over and over in my head wishing I could go back and explain. Explain how I felt. Knowing if I did we would have talked. You would have told me my fears were unfounded and we would of continued our lives together. 

I think back on the times I could have come to you. To say I was sorry and I wanted to be with you. And I kick myself for never doing it!  Hate myself for loosing out on you again

Now when I am whole and healed within myself I dared to seek you out again. To lay out one small hope that like the soul mates we once were, we could rekindle things again. 

I find you have moved on and are engaged and have had a child. And why wouldn’t of you?  You are amazing and everything a woman could want. And it hits me my chance is truly gone. I will forever think of the woman you are now with and think “it should have been me” hell it could have been me – it was me for a time, but life is so cruel. My healing and self love came too late for us.

I tried to move on. I too got engaged and had a child but unfortunately I choose one not for me. I choose a man who I guess is my lesson. My lesson of knowing what it was to be with someone and yet feeling so alone and so unappreciated and disrespected. Showing me what I had with you was what I truly wanted.

You don’t know this but when i came to pick up two mutual friends of ours from one of your friends 30th birthday (10 months after we split) i made a promise to myself. If you turned to look at me when I got out of the car, I was going to walk over to you and try and start things up again. But you didn’t so much as raise your head from off the bench. It was then I made the choice to move on and start dating again. I still get angry that I never bit the bullet and walked up to you anyway regardless of if you could have looked me in the eye.

Though I am glad you are happy as you deserve to be. I will forever hold out to hope that one day you might look on your partner and see what I did. And once again think of me and feel as I do. 

I am aware this is a fools hope. I wish you well and all the love within my heart. Love from every single part of my heart. And pray for my one wish. My one hope to come true 

K.R