My biggest regret. My one wish.

My biggest regret. My one wish.

My biggest regret. My one wish.

To the one that I let slip away

When you came into my life I was not the woman I am today. I was foolish and worried so much about what others thought. I had no self confidence and felt like I was never good enough.

The time I had with you was all too short. But you gave me the best life I could have ever imagined. It is only now- Four years from our breakup that I can see how things were and admit how I failed you. How I failed us.

Deep down I never felt good enough and I pushed you away. I hated myself because I never had the money. Could never get you the best or right birthday gift. I compared myself to others in your life and felt lacking. I convinced myself that one day you would get bored and leave me. So unconsciously I forced your hand. I made it so you wanted to leave.  To this day I remember that break up. Where I could see you battling to stay or go and how I took it upon myself to give you the tool you thought you needed to go. How you said that you couldn’t believe you felt that you had to go because I was perfect for you. And how I lied and told you I never wanted kids. I lied because I felt that you finally saw me for how lacking I was. I gave you that final push to go. Believe me I play it over and over in my head wishing I could go back and explain. Explain how I felt. Knowing if I did we would have talked. You would have told me my fears were unfounded and we would of continued our lives together. 

I think back on the times I could have come to you. To say I was sorry and I wanted to be with you. And I kick myself for never doing it!  Hate myself for loosing out on you again

Now when I am whole and healed within myself I dared to seek you out again. To lay out one small hope that like the soul mates we once were, we could rekindle things again. 

I find you have moved on and are engaged and have had a child. And why wouldn’t of you?  You are amazing and everything a woman could want. And it hits me my chance is truly gone. I will forever think of the woman you are now with and think “it should have been me” hell it could have been me – it was me for a time, but life is so cruel. My healing and self love came too late for us.

I tried to move on. I too got engaged and had a child but unfortunately I choose one not for me. I choose a man who I guess is my lesson. My lesson of knowing what it was to be with someone and yet feeling so alone and so unappreciated and disrespected. Showing me what I had with you was what I truly wanted.

You don’t know this but when i came to pick up two mutual friends of ours from one of your friends 30th birthday (10 months after we split) i made a promise to myself. If you turned to look at me when I got out of the car, I was going to walk over to you and try and start things up again. But you didn’t so much as raise your head from off the bench. It was then I made the choice to move on and start dating again. I still get angry that I never bit the bullet and walked up to you anyway regardless of if you could have looked me in the eye.

Though I am glad you are happy as you deserve to be. I will forever hold out to hope that one day you might look on your partner and see what I did. And once again think of me and feel as I do. 

I am aware this is a fools hope. I wish you well and all the love within my heart. Love from every single part of my heart. And pray for my one wish. My one hope to come true 



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