The sounds of the carnival softly faded as I walked you home the night we met. I remember both of us slowly reaching for one another’s hands as we walked behind Chris and Kaela.
From that moment, I knew that you were the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
At first, I was very nervous meeting your kids for the first time, but everything seemed to go so smoothly, it was as if I’d known them their whole lives.
Living 2 hours away was tough, and my work couldn’t allow it, but when the choice came (from my boss) to keep my job or move in with you…the choice was easy, I moved in with you.
I never told you that the choice was mine, because I didn’t want it to be an issue.
Our relationship was a whirlwind of love, happiness and excitement.
Our trip to the state fair still amazes me. Everything we did for two days, involved the numbers 7 & 8 (our lucky numbers)…wasn’t it crazy?!
Remember waiting in line for a ride, I said “ok, I will propose to you this year if our numbers are different”. The only time we didn’t get 7 or 8 was that one time! We laughed and laughed. Without saying a word, looking into each other’s eyes, we told each other that it was meant to be.
Anna, my love for you has not faded still.
Life got crazy, parenting styles were different and somewhere along the way, that spark got over shadowed.
After we talked and I moved out, I had time to myself and think. I got so caught up with people telling me to parent Jess, and to be tough…I just got overwhelmed, I didn’t like being so hard on her.
These past months, I had been trying to get you back…but I realized that I can’t make you love me again. It wasn’t just you I wanted to make up to and get back. I wanted to start over with Jessa, like we were in the beginning, I wanted to have our “Jessa and Jay days” back….I wanted that closeness with her again…I wanted to make things right.
Anna, I wish I could tell you all the right things to sweep you off your feet and back into my arms, but those things you can hear from any guy. They all the things I have said to you a thousand times before.
What I want to do, is say some of the things that I didn’t…
Like every time I held you, the world stopped, and for just those moments, it was only you and I….or how, I could hardly catch my breath lying next to you watching you sleep. Listening to you sing and watching you dance…my heart would skip a beat. I loved listening to you talk about Grandpa Bob, looking into your eyes, seeing the happiness, joy and sorrow. I never let you know how much I loved when I sang “Farmer’s Daughter” to you, and you would wait and watch for that one part. Just kissing you on the back of the neck, smelling your hair and the small hint of your perfume made my entire day. I loved sitting on the floor playing games with the kids. Hugs and kisses at bed time. Our days fishing….memories I will cherish forever.
Remember playing 10,000 when the kids went to sleep, having a Mario marathon or just hanging out at home or at your parents’…Those times, those are just a few of the times I hold dear to my heart.
Like everything else, those happy times got lost somehow.
I can’t apologize more than I already have, for the mistakes I’ve made and hurtful things that were said…you should understand by now how I feel.
Anna, everything I ever did, was for us, as a family. I wanted to buy the business to better our future and give you the time you needed to get your RN. I spent all of my time thinking of how I can make life better for all of us.
Now…I spend my time trying to figure out how I can live without you.
I love you Anna, I love little man and Jess with all my heart too….I always will.
I can’t give you the “newness” of someone you just met, with all that new excitement…I can only be the man I was when we first met, and make our love new and exciting each and every day. I can only be a better parent to the kids by having patience, not yelling and being a partner (not fighting over our different parenting styles).
I could write you a thousand letters with a thousand different ways to say how much I love you and what you all mean to me…but I won’t.
I’ve asked for a 2nd chance, but I won’t anymore…you’ve found someone new.
I love the three of you very much, and want you all to be happy.
I thank God everyday that I had the chance to be with all of you the short time I did.
Take care, Anna
Love always, Jay