My heart was crushed and I feel like I’m dying inside.

My heart was crushed and I feel like I’m dying inside.

My heart was crushed and I feel like I’m dying inside.

I lost my wife back in 2013 after an 8 year battle with cancer. We dated for 3 years and then we were married for 20. We would still be happily married if she were still alive. I quit my job to take care of her and while caring for her I neglected myself. I ballooned up to over 500 pounds. I had gone into mobile games and one particular game became my entire social life outside of work. Unfortunately online games are like the grade school playground and after playing the game 12-14 hours a day for 6 years I gave it up. I grew sick of the lies, mind games, and heartache. That was March 2020.

I changed my eating habits and exercise routine, lost weight and gained muscle. I’m down to around 330 pounds now. I was still very lonely and depressed. I found myself walking around the park and I was on a bench crying in the rain. I grew up in the church and in moments of doubt and pain I reach out to God. I prayed and said I’m a good man and I have so much love to give, but nobody to give it to. I am so sick of being alone and lonely. Some people are simply not designed to be alone. We must share. So I prayed for a wife. My request was reasonable. I wanted a woman to love me and know how to be loved. Someone to be my best friend, take care of my heart, give hers to me to protect, and be my other half. Read the lyrics to the song Somebody by Depeche Mode. I heard that song when I was 12 and it underlined everything that I wanted. I prayed for her. 

The next day one of the few friends that I had left contacted me and told me to try one of the dating sites. I signed up and 3 days later I met A. A was amazing. She was everything that I was looking for. We had so much in common and every day that went by made me want her more. My feelings are fierce and my heart is strong, but I am tender. I told her this and said handle me with care. She promised that she understood and would protect my heart. I believed her. 

We talked for hours, visited each other, met some family, made love together, and fell deeper and deeper into love. At least it seemed to be from my side. There were small red flags that I missed, ignored, or minimized because I was in love and I wanted it so badly. 

We made plans to get married and live together. We shopped for rings. She set a marriage date of 11/7/21. That date will now hurt me forever. Her lease was running out on October 1st and she was downgrading to a smaller apartment. I suggested that she move in with me. We wanted to be together anyway and so this would make it easier. Why sign a 1 year lease and then move again? She said that she talked to her ex and he threatened to take her to court if she did it. She has joint custody of their 12 year old daughter. With everything that has happened I have no idea how much of what she told me was true. Everything she ever told me is in doubt now. She said that her ex and his gf have been good to her and she didn’t want to mess that up. So she sided with what he wanted over me. A red flag. She’s in severe debt and moving in would have saved her, but instead she took the 1 bedroom apartment. This was a serious mistake, but I was in love so I rolled with it. 

I bought her food because she was hungry. I bought her clothes because she didn’t have any. I went to her and bought her meds and food when she was sick and nobody else came, because I loved her. I bought her boxes because she needed to move. I was there for her and gave her all that I am and she threw me away like garbage. 

She was all over the place and needed time to be alone at times, which was very weird. She would be all over me telling me that she loves me for a few days and then wanted me to go home. She would want me to give to her in the bedroom and a few days later didn’t want me to touch her. It was all very strange. I put up with it because I was in love. She seemed like everything that I had ever wanted. I busted my arse moving her. I bought whatever she needed and I ended up spending over $1000 on her because I thought I was taking care of my future. 

Then part of my old game life came back. A couple of detectives from my home city came looking for me. They said that I was a potential witness to one or more crimes that happened in that game. I agreed to meet with them. They wanted to show me some screenshots to see if I recognized any names. So they came out near A’s apartment. I headed them off so I wouldn’t scare A or her daughter, S. I talked to the detectives and I did recognize most of the names, but I didn’t know anything about the crimes. I asked if I was in trouble and they said no, you didn’t do anything. They gave me their cards in case I remembered anything more. I went back to A’s apartment and whispered in her ear what happened. I said that I needed to go home to check on my mother. I’m her caregiver and the detectives scared her. She’s 72. 

I explained in more detail after A asked questions and she seemed to understand. No, I’m not in trouble. No, no arrest is coming. She said she believed me. That was on October 16th. 

She lives hard, smokes, and drinks coffee. She’s very self indulgent. She’s a crisis queen as well. Everything is very upsetting and overwhelming. She’s terrible at time management. I had hoped to help her with that because I am very good with time management. On October 18th I asked her if she wanted to live in our home and share our bed, get stronger, healthier, and sexier together? Did she want to grow old together? She said yes. I asked her if she wanted to be my wife and me to be her husband? She said yes. I believed her. 

The rest of the week she was less kissy that she had been. I asked if she was ok. She said yes, just tired. i asked if there was anything that I could do to help. She said I wish. I asked when she wanted me to come out again and she said maybe we should do what we did before where I came out on Friday and spent the weekend. Friday comes along and she doesn’t come out. She said that was taking the day off. She was tired. She would come out tomorrow. Tomorrow comes along and she doesn’t come out. Same answer, just resting. I’m polite, but annoyed. This is 2 days in a row of flaking off on me. So starting Monday we talk on the phone a bit every day. She’s not texting as much, but she keeps saying I love you. The last few phone calls it changes to a quick, “loveyoubye”. I had asked are you ok? You seem down. Yeah, I’m just tired. I asked on the 21st at night on the phone if we were ok and she said yes, we are good. We had talked about what to do for my birthday. I’m not all hung up on getting things. I told her that I just want you. She said yes, but we must do something. I said ok, we can go out to dinner. That was on the 21st. On the 22nd I sent several texts saying whatever was going on. We had an established agreement that we could text whatever and the other would respond when they got to them. So too many texts was not possible. I sent 6 texts updating her on what I was doing from 5am to almost 9pm. At 9pm I asked, “Where are you? You’ve been busy today. Have you been eating right?”. Then she responded with, “It is with much thought and care that I have come to conclude that I need to end our relationship. I don’t know what led to you being sought out by the detectives and I understand your explanation. However, I feel that it is a red flag that I can’t ignore at this juncture in my life. I hate that I have to say this to you on the eve of your birthday, but to stick it out because of your birthday would be disingenuous. Please don’t contact me again. I will arrange to have your belongings delivered to you as soon as possible.”

Oh my God, what? I was in shock. What? How? Why? How can this be? I had to talk to her. After everything that we had shared and said. This can’t be true. So like an idiot I went over to her apartment and tried to talk to her. How can someone tell you that they love you, want to be with you, shop for rings with you, and tell you that they want to be your wife do that? How is that even possible? How insane is that? A is a coward though and wouldn’t answer her door. I didn’t want to be that guy so I went home. I am crushed, heartbroken, and gutted. I have nothing left. She had to know what this would do to me. How heartless, cold and cruel can you be? Who breaks up in a text? How weak and pathetic? I’m lost and confused. I wrote the poem below a few days later. 

There are two men on my shoulders.

The man on the left tells me that 
I should guard my heart. 
He wants me to keep my heart cold. 
He says don’t give too much of yourself.
He says to never forget the pain. 
He reminds of me past mistakes.
The times that I opened myself up 
And trusted others. 
He warns me that it will end the same.
She will move into my heart, give me hope,
tell me that she loves me, tell me that 
I am the only one, and then one day it
will all turn out to be so much bullshit. 
He tells me that my independance will 
Bring me safety. 
He tells me that I am the only one that 
I can depend on. 
He says that if I never allow anyone in,
I will never again have to mend. 

The man on my right looks just like the man
on the left. 
He screams at me to love.
To give my heart to another. 
This time it will be different, he says. 
Don’t lose your hope and faith, 
the pain of the past is behind you. 
He says that I know that you are afraid. 
I know that you are heartbroken. 
I know that you are bleeding. 
You must heal that heart and the best way is 
to move on and move forward. 
You must erase the fear. 
You must understand that you did nothing wrong. 
You are the diamond that they rejected. 
So stop beating yourself up. 
They’re the fool, not you. 
Do not keep yourself from feeling or you will 
find yourself alone. 
Deep down you wish to give yourself
and find a heart in turn to own. 

These two men on my shoulders,
They are looking out for me. 
They want what is best for me. 
They are the love unrequited and 
the pain of dispair. 
They are only trying to protect myself 
From a life of misery. 
But I don’t know who to side with
Because they tell such different things. 
One says don’t take the chance. 
The other wants what love brings. 
I listen for who’s louder, 
But their volumes match the same. 
I wonder how much longer, 
I can withstand this pain.


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