I didn’t think I’d be the 1 in 3

I didn’t think I’d be the 1 in 3

I didn’t think I’d be the 1 in 3

When i first met you i knew you were a troubled human. 

The empath in me so desperately wanted to show you you are loved, you are cared for and I’ll be there for you always. The empath in me chose to marry you. 
I thought i found my soulmate i ignored all the red flags, but deep down inside i knew my life would change forever, i didn’t think it would be this bad.

The times when we first started dating when you’d be passive aggressive and verbally abusive for leaving you to go home, then apologise over and over again then do it to me again (silly me for mistaking this for love)
Arguing with me because i didn’t want to marry you, verbally abusing me and guilt tripping me i caved in 3 years later. I thought marrying you would solve everything and you’ll love me how a human is suppose to love.

All those excuses i made in my head for you, he’s damaged, he had a tough life all he needs is love… love heals.

2 weeks in to our marriage when you hit me with an object, i cried and cried i wanted to go back home so badly my father did not want me back because i made my bed so i cried in it.

You took my virginity and yelled at me on the same night i will never ever forget that memory even if i wanted to i can’t. I think about it 2 years later. 

Crying to my ex and pouring my vulnerable heart out to be told it’s probably my fault. I married a “good man” 
Convincing myself this is all my fault, becauae I’m annoying, I’m too sensitive, maybe i should not talk so much, don’t toss and turn at night in case i disrupt your sleep because you work so hard, too hard i should let you take your frustrations out on me, you’re the one who works and i didn’t not because i was lazy like you said, because i was so mentally numb it took it’s toll on my physical health, who would employ someone as stupid as me right babe? I am the stupid one and you’re the smart one I’m so lucky to have you right? I deserve every single abusive word out your mouth, every punch in the back of my head, being dragged by my hair and having my head smacked on the floor, i deserve to be spat in my face because I’m the pathetic one and I’m also the abusive one because i shouldn’t fight back. Your sorry but… i shouldn’t push you too it. You don’t need professional help your fine i do, repeat that to me over and over again till i believe it to be true.

When you beat me and called the police crying victim, because i had enough, when they didn’t believe me and i was just another number in their eyes, i gave up and accepted this was my life now.

Fast forward 2 years in this lockdown never have i ever felt so low in my life, never have i felt so punished. The physical abuse may not be as much but the mental abuse is what’s killing me. No matter what i do i can never do any right. I can never truly be myself around you. 

I prayed and prayed since i was a young girl to take me away from my home, i didn’t grow up in a loving home neither did you. Watching my father walk all over my mom and speak to her like she’s a pest, even till this day. I didn’t think I’d go from one toxic home to another, i didn’t think i would ever marry someone who would treat me like I’m shit on their shoes.

Every single time you hold me i want to cry, every single time you tell me you love me i want to scream so fucking loud YOU DON’T, i have but it falls on deaf ears so what’s the point. This is not love this was not the love i wanted. My home is suppose to be a safe place where i can be myself. 

Now i fake a smile at work while my mind is 100mph trying to concentrate but i can’t, wandering the streets before i come home to this negative toxic environment will make me have a breakdown again at the wrong place at the wrong time, i feel it. I’m no longer alive, I’m just living and sleep walking through life.

You will get your karma one day mark my words. The empath in me will no longer care.

I don’t love you anymore. You were once my world but now you’re just the monster i once called hun.

1 Comment

  1. Jonah 3 weeks ago

    You need to get out. You were Pure in Gods eyes,, to save yourself for marriage. And although God does not like divorce, he allows it in such circumstances. Call a hotline,, talk to your church of pastor.

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