Dear L, 
It feels so strange to address you by your name rather than the classic “BB” I thought I’ll be calling you forever. To have come to this place from where we were doesn’t seem so distance. It still feels like a dream, of course of the worst kind. Where did I go wrong exactly, I’m still confused. I know I did fail you but I didn’t know it was as grave as it turned out to be. I always thought we had time for I took you for granted sometimes. I wish I could go back in time and mend what’s broken now, I wish I could go back and fix the trust you put in me, I wish I could go back and put all of my faith in you. I know I was never the perfect boyfriend but I was assured that you were happy and accepting of me even with my flaws. Not for a moment I felt it was as serious as it was.

Little did I know, you’d throw me under the bus like you did. Maybe you grew out of love for me for quite a while now, yet were clouded in your thoughts but I’ve never been in love with you as much as I’m now since you’re gone and that’s the honest truth. If only I could go back in time and treasure you like I needed to, you’d still be here, tucked in my arms going strong as ever. They say life is a lesson and a great teacher but I don’t want this to be an experience for any future relationships. Because I know that I will never be able to love anybody in this world like I love you. You mean the world to me and beyond.

If only I could go back in time, I would trade my life for it. There’s not a single day that goes by where I don’t think of you, cherish and treasure the irreplaceable memories we shared together, the lively conversations, the bonding over games, music and youtube, the laughs we shared together, that radiant smile of your face when we saw each other, your “Good Morning BB” text messages, you drifting off to sleep listening to me in my arms, I miss them all. Yes, I’m hurting and the pain is excruciating and I’m breaking apart even further as the days go on but I can’t say that I’m not the one to be blamed for. I do take responsibility for my actions.

Guess you needed to change too for this to work but I’m not gonna go to the details of that do the blame game. If you’d ask me now, I’d change myself and commit to become a better man. All I hope is a text, a message, a voice note, anything that says you’d give me another chance to fix it. Everybody deserve a second chance. I’ve never been if love til you came along and lighted up my life and one thing’s for sure that I will never have a place for anyone in my heart ever again. I will never dare to love again. For all the pain, hurt and scars I’ve caused you, I apologise from the depth of my heart, truly and deeply. I am genuinely remorseful for all that I had said and done but I never intended to hurt you the way you were hurt by those. I wish I was experienced in love like you which I could have made use of to keep us from drifting apart. I miss you every single day and I know it will be a norm that will continue for as long as I breathe. I hope you’re happy and stay happy forever because you deserve all the happiness in the world. You will always hold that special place in my heart, ficki. – Urs Truly N