Lost and found

Lost and found

Lost and found

Hi stranger! ……. I just had to open it up with something cliche ….lol. here we go…

I remember the first time I saw you. like actually saw you. your quirky smile, your bright eyes, your heart warming smile, your heart, your passion, your love, and happiness. I saw all of you. Sitting in a stall in the bathroom at a bar all alone, and here you are. In the bathroom on your knees locked eyes with mine, asking if I needed help finding my friends. The only thing I could think about is how I just found you. You made me feel absolutely every single feeling In one look, the good, the bad and the all in between. I fell in love so fast with you. Just to run to fast and fall in the wrong direction by demons that were consuming my heart.

I am so in love with you. I love you so much. I love you. I LOVE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH. I love you baby. I love you sexy. I love you my everything. I love you my love. Love you babe. Love you. Loveeee youu. Luv u. Ily. Ttyl. Bye.

It hurts right, to read this. I know. I understand and im sorry you feel this way.

How did this happen? How did it go the other direction? Why didn’t you love eachother as much anymore ? What happened?

Heard these lines so many times. And to be truthful with you. It wasn’t the right time for us to meet. We both had battles going on that neither of us knew about until we started projecting those negative feelings ontoeachother. Let me elaborate more. I wasn’t being truthful to myself and to you in ways I never realized. I hurt you emotionally, and in a few cases physically. I became and acted like a child after the 9 months of us being together. I had a lot of negativity around me. Family, friends, down talking myself, never feeling good enough for anyone or anything.  I was depressed, in fear and angry at the world. Because in my head I felt all this hate towards me that I had towards myself and I let it all consume me. I stopped loving myself. I stopped caring. I started doing less than more. I got lazy. I got miserable. I got resentful. When all you had deep down inside was love for me. When I chose not to believe it. Because I couldn’t believe anyone could love me because even I couldn’t love me. I projected all this hate onto you. I then became quick to anger, I would lashed out, I made things always about me. Nothing was ever good enough because I wasn’t good enough for myself. You see. The feelings I was feeling was never from you. They were never caused by you. (Once in a blue moon yes but u get it) I was going through fights I had in my mind, that you couldn’t fix. Like truly impossible I needed some real work.

I often catch me thinking about you…… I think about you being happy. I think about you making a face when you get into your car and it’s too cold. I think about you dabbing and being a complete weirdo. I think about you laughing and how much I love that goofy smile of yours. I think about you when I see a hockey stick because that was your favourite sport. I think about going on our first road trip because in that moment I felt like we were the only ones in it. I think about all the good times and the bad times. And how i lost the girl of my dreams. 

I tried to find love in others. Later to find I was looking for you inside. This cycle. I’m okay one day but the next I am on my knees. Why do I still feel like this. Why can’t I just let go. I need to let go. I can let go. I let go.

No. No. No. Why would I ever want to let go? I never want or wanted to let go because you are everything I imagined happiness could be. The smile. The laugh. The heart. The Everything. 

We may possibly be at different stages in our lives. Probably have different friends. Different interests. Maybe, because change happens all the time and that is okay. But over the few years I’ve learnt the only kind of change I want is for the better. To love myself better. To be truthful and faithful. For my health to be better. To learn, love and know that it is okay to make mistakes as long as you fix what you hurt. That I am good enough, that I can be a better version of myself every single day.

It hurts me to think about my past and what I did and who I was. It fucking hurts. And I still hurt everyday for my wrongs. But it was time to turn things around from the pain that I had caused. Because I didnt want to suffer anymore. Because it made sense now. If I was suffering, everyone around me was suffering too, because I let it. And that is not okay. In what right world would you want the people you love and loves you to suffer. You are a badass beautiful fearless women that can do anything in this world. Though through all the pain you made me see the light at the end of the tunnel. I took all that pain and I turned it into light. It wasn’t easy. But I am proud to say I accomplished it. I accomplished everything I believed in after I accomplished the first step in loving myself. So I thank you. And I thank myself. For showing me what I deserve (you) and don’t deserve ( the projection I had on myself and projected onto you )

To you today : I really wish I could meet the person you are today and have become. I want to tell you that I’m proud of you. For loving yourself. For putting you first. Something I could not do. I look up to you. And I cherish you. I respect you. I support you. And I adore you. 

You are loved. You are enough. You gave it your all. You tried your hardest. You loved me and that’s why you let go. Being loved by you was the most special feeling I have ever had and have held in my heart.

I’ll always love you no matter how hard I try not too.



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