Ty, I remember the day we first met. We had an instant and undeniably intense bond. I felt at home with you since day one. It’s as if we knew each other our whole lives… call us twin flames. I saw so much of myself in you. My humor, my beliefs, my journeys… it’s as if we lived so much of the same life yet somehow as two separate individuals. All my life I’ve had trouble making connections with those around me but finding you and building that connection I forever longed felt so effortless. It felt absurd to say I loved you right then and there but in that moment I knew my heart was meant for you. Although, regardless of your position in my life, the thought of losing you was devastating. 

After I left your house that day, you texted me and said even though I had just left, you couldn’t get the thought of me out of your head. You weren’t even looking for a relationship but somehow my existence made you consider giving it a shot. I felt overwhelmed. I didn’t feel as if I was anything special but somehow simply being myself gave you a different outlook and I was starstruck. About a month later, you asked me to be your girlfriend. Of course, I said yes and we were gitty about each other the entire summer. Spending practically every day together, exploring new places, goofing around, and of course sharing intimate moments. I felt so connected to you on every level.

I remember when we would stay up long nights talking til 4-5 am about anything and everything that came to our minds regardless of the fact that you had to wake up for work just a few hours after. You sacrificed so much for me and allowed me to wholeheartedly be myself. I opened up to you and told you things I never told anyone else because I trusted you and I knew you would support me no matter what. You’d slip out of bed in the morning to get ready for work and never leave without giving me a kiss. You’d drop back home every now and then throughout the day to get something and you’d always check on me. Even though I’d still be sound asleep, you’d leave me a coffee for me to wake up to and you’d text me telling me how beautiful I looked and how lucky you were to have me because you always wanted me to have something positive to wake up and start my day with. I miss this the most. Before everything went downhill.

You started to work more. 80 hours+ a week. It was stressing you out and you started to have less and less time for me. I knew your job was important to you and you always did so much for me so I stepped up to help try to ease some of your stress away. From doing your laundry, cooking you a nice meal for you to come home to, doing the dishes, and making your bed. I had so much more free time than you and I spent almost all of it giving back to you because you deserved it. You’d tell me all you wanted was to come home from work and have me be the one who greets you because knowing you could come home to me at the end of the day made the workdays seem to go by faster. But everything changed when the realization that I’d soon be going back to school to finish pursuing my own degree dawned on me.

I became insecure and worrisome. Would we last with the distance? What if you met someone else while I was away? My biggest regret was letting these frustrations and worries come between us. I knew we could no longer spend as much time together as I had wanted to but it was so hard for me to accept. We both had our own responsibilities as adults but I clearly didn’t act like an adult. You started struggling with your mental health and although you never completely opened up to me about what was going on in its entirety, I knew you were hurting. I knew I couldn’t fix whatever was going on but I wanted to be there for you and be by your side through it all. I didn’t want to see you struggle alone and wanted to be by your side to help you get through it but you told me you couldn’t let me see you like that because you were “embarrassed”. I was confused and heartbroken because I thought you loved me but I tried to understand and accept that you wanted space because I loved you and only wanted what was best for you. 

We’d start texting less and less. Weeks went by and I wouldn’t hear from you at all. I started getting in my head and thinking that you were talking to someone else and didn’t love me anymore. It frustrated me that you could so easily go this long without speaking to someone who you said meant so much to you. I started to feel like I wasn’t really what you wanted anymore and you constantly told me I was but your actions made me feel otherwise. Your job was starting to consume every aspect of your life and you no longer had time for me. You told me to appreciate the times that we did get to have with each other and that I should be grateful because you “spent more time with me than any of your other friends”. But the only reason was because I constantly made the effort into driving up to you since you were “working too much” and couldn’t do the same for me. 

I wanted you to start putting in the effort that I was because I began to feel like I was doing more for you than you were doing for me but you shut me down and told me you had more important obligations and responsibilities with your job than pleasing me. We broke up but weeks went by and you texted me that you missed me. We both wanted things to work out and you told me as soon as things settled down at work, you’d have more time for me. Once again, it was always about your job. I understand it was important to you but what I don’t understand is how much you let it control your emotions and behaviors. You took your frustrations out on me when all I ever wanted to do was help ease your frustrations. However, I became just another one of your frustrations. 

We tried to work things out and we still spent time together even after we broke up because we both still longed for and loved one another too much to let life’s obstacles get in the way. You’d sweet talk me to keep me on the hook because you knew you could always fall back on me. That is where I lost myself. You’d kiss me goodbye and tell me to have a great day. You’d tell me you loved me and leave. And I wouldn’t hear from you for days again. You left me on a pedestal and only came around when you were bored and needed company or sex because you knew I loved you too much to say no. I’d reach out to you and ask why you were doing this to me and you’d leave my words unread. I regret ever reaching out and asking what I did wrong to deserve this. I shouldn’t have blamed myself for loving you and caring about you. I shouldn’t have apologized for reaching out and I should have used your unsaid words as a sign of where I stood in your life but I couldn’t give myself up to the idea of moving on. The idea of you with anyone else but me destroyed me so I let you continue to use me for your convenience because that felt better to me than not having you at all.

I finally couldn’t handle the feeling anymore and exploded with emotions. I told you I was tired of being treated like this and you responded that you were “sorry you were dealing with things”. We all go through things but taking your frustration out on me and calling me annoying and a bitch for expressing how much you hurt me blew my mind. If you loved me you wouldn’t have allowed me to feel that way but you continued to push me away. You made me feel guilty and deserving of the way you were treating me. You made excuses for your actions and your words and I always accepted them knowing I deserved better because I couldn’t fathom the idea of life without you. But somehow you could never accept how I was feeling. You never expressed forgiveness for the way you lashed out on me for reaching out to you, for wanting to spend time with you, and talk to you but manipulated me into feeling sympathy for you.

Months went by and we went no contact. I missed you like crazy and felt tempted to reach out to you but always had to stop myself because I knew you didn’t care or else you would have reached out to me. That was the problem. I always reached out to you and blamed myself for what went wrong without failing to consider your part in our falling out. I spent countless days and nights with you preoccupying my thoughts. I couldn’t eat, sleep, or shower daily because I felt so lost and unmotivated without you. You were the first person who loved me for who I was. You supported my goals and dreams. You didn’t care if I had just rolled out of bed and had bed head or was dolled up, you always thought I was beautiful even when I couldn’t find the beauty in myself. You saw so much in me and brought out so much of me that I never even knew was possible. We were best friends but somehow now we were each other’s worst enemies.  I tried to move on and I started talking to a new guy I had met at school. I didn’t let him in for so long because I was still scared and hurt by how you treated me. I remember after seeing him for a little while, I felt ready to become intimate. The first time we had sex I cried myself to sleep because I was still so in love with you and it felt wrong to share that moment with anyone but you. He and I ended up falling off and I was obviously upset because here I was once again facing rejection. 

I never loved him as I loved you but it still pained me because it felt so wrong even though I knew you were out doing the same thing. I couldn’t move on because you were such a big part of my life and you knew so much about me. I didn’t want to restart with anyone else. I just wanted you. A few days after, I reached out to you. I needed someone to talk to because I was hurt and I trusted you because you knew me better than anyone else. I didn’t expect you to reply but you responded in about 3 minutes. Talking to you again after going that long without contact brought back all of the old feelings. How much I longed for us to be what we were before but knowing it would never be the same. You told me you still cared about me and would always be there for me but a relationship would never work out between us again. I accepted it because I knew you would say that. I would never be what you wanted no matter how much I did for you but once again I stayed because I knew deep down that I still loved you.

We talked for a few weeks before you told me you wanted to see me again. Being my stupid self, I agreed because I thought seeing each other in person again would change things. We ended up hooking up and you told me you missed me and still loved me. You wanted things to work out but wanted to take things slow because once again… your job. You told me you didn’t want to be with anyone else but me and you were sorry for the way our relationship ended. Things were different for a while after that night and we saw each other again after that. It felt as if we picked right back up where we left off before we broke up but then you began to become distant again. I should have known you’d do this to me. You didn’t love me. You loved the idea of me and knowing that you could always count on me to be there when you needed someone. You took advantage of the love I had for you and you destroyed me. You started telling me about all of the other girls you went out with while we were apart as if to make me jealous. You treated me like you were above me. You knew my weak spots and you knew what hurt me and you used those as leverage on me. 

I was naive for ever thinking I still meant something to you but you knew exactly what to say to get me where you wanted. What I don’t understand is how you could be so heartless to the one you once loved. You called me immature for the way I reacted when you hurt me but never once could own up to your mistakes. You lifted up my self-esteem and put false ideas of love and hope into my head and I don’t know how I will ever recover. I can’t look at anyone the same and I can’t trust anyone the same because the ones you let in the most are always the ones that end up destroying you. 

You blocked me again but I’m still finding myself thinking about you, what you’re doing, and who you’re with.. knowing that it will never be me. But I’m going to take this as a lesson. If I start loving myself and taking care of myself the way I did for you… maybe I can finally find happiness. I need to stop letting you consume my thoughts and my mind knowing damn well you are perfectly fine without me. I’m not sorry for loving you but I’m sorry for ever letting you try to dictate the person that I am. As much as I miss the way things used to be, I know that I am worthy of so much more than this. I just hope one day that you realize what you lost but by then, I’ll be with someone who sees me as worthy every day… not just when they decide to.