One last time

One last time

One last time

( Can you atleast just read this for me? I know I’m not supposed to talk to you because you need to heal but I needed to do this for myself. So I thought an old fashioned letter would be better than anything else. After you read this, just please text me and let me know you got it.) 

Hey bubs, It’s me again. I’m currently sitting in bed thinking about you once more for the last time. Today my phone told me I needed to free up some storage so I made the decision to delete those 3,568 photos and videos of us. When I did that, I felt the hole in my heart stretch a little wider. I never really imagined life without you for real. We had so many memories together. 
Whether they were those amazing memories or the really bad ones. I can’t even pick a favorite memory with you. No matter what they were all good in some way. From the night, you told me that you were in love with me at Travis. We wore our little matching outfits that I bought you for Christmas. I freaked out and was in so much shock. I never knew we were gonna fall in love. The Super Bowl game and the parade downtown. When we didn’t even stay the whole time but just the time I always had with you. When you held me on the bus so I wouldn’t fall and it was so cold that day. It was literally snowing and you did everything in your power to make sure I was warm.  
I don’t know my purpose of typing all this out and I have no clue where this is going to go. Just let me start with saying thank you. I feel like I never actually thanked you for loving me and just being there for me. You came into my life during a weird phase of my life. I was in such a dark place with myself. I didn’t have a family but Gracie’s at the time. You physically made me feel so alive and okay with life. Then we mentally got ourselves into it. You were always mentally there for me when I needed someone to be.Whether I was going through it with myself, my depression, or my family. It was always you. I can not thank you enough for that. I know I was not the easiest person to love but thank you for trying to love me for the time we shared.  
I should start this one off with saying I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all the hurt I completely brought you. I never had any intention for doing that. I’m sorry for everything. For being toxic in the ways you saw were, for making a big deal out of things I definitely should have not, and the countless amounts of attitude you had to deal with. I wish I would have never put you in those situations. I had so much going on and I know that is never an excuse but I should’ve never taken my problems out on you, you were always there to just support me and I used you as a punching bag when things got bad. I am so sorry. I’m sorry I let you down. I also know I’ve said that a lot in this but deep down I honestly mean it, and I hope one day you can forgive me. 
I really loved you. I wanted nothing in the world but you. If you weren’t there, I wouldn’t be there. You became my world because you pulled me out the dark and helped me live. If I could back and fix everything I would but sadly I can’t. I pray that you don’t hate me. I couldn’t be mad if you do though, I can’t understand the pain I brought to you. You can sit there and say I do not love you but I 100% did love you for the time we shared and even for a while after we broke up. I still love you to this day and you will forever hold a special part in my heart. You were my everything when I had nothing. That empty spot in my heart filled up with your love and joy. 
I’d be so selfish to ask for your forgiveness because I put you through hell and back but one day I really hope you forgive me. You said “why would I want that in my future” to me when it was over and I blamed myself everyday and I still do because the thought of what we could have been always runs through my head. I pray our stars collide once more in the future. I’ll never know if I’ll get the chance to love you once more but I hope I do. One day when we are not sad depressed young adults who are scared.  We had that perfect future planned out and I really can’t picture doing all that with someone else. You changed my mind and opened my mind up to so much. I’d hate to experience that with someone else. 
It’s time to wrap this up sadly, I know i could continue forever but not this time. I wish you well. I hope nothing but the best for you. You really deserve the world even though you’ll say “ I don’t deserve anything good.” You’re such an amazing soul and wonderful person. I pray one day, you’ll be able to see yourself like I do. I pray life starts going good for you. That’s something that I can’t wait to see from the sidelines. I hope you get big in streaming and gaming. I hope you find a job involved with that, you’d love that so much. Escaping reality is something you love and find comforting. I hope your grandparents are doing well. Along with your mom and siblings. You still bullying Dj? I hope all those relationships get better for you and the start to heal up. I hope your dad comes around more and is there for you. I know how much that means to you as well. I just overall wish you well in the future and now. 
My reason for sending you this is to say goodbye. I’ve decided to follow my heart and leave Missouri. There’s nothing here for me anymore but family so I’m out of here. Saying goodbye to you has always been hard, but right now it’s the hardest without seeing you.  I’d love for you to come visit someday. 
Goodbye Richard, please don’t ever forget me. I will love you forever. <3

2 Comments

  1. Laila Aljabri 4 months ago

    This is so sad! I can not stop crying !

    • Shylei 2 months ago

      I miss him every day still

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