Learning to let go of the past…

Learning to let go of the past…

Learning to let go of the past…

Dear Daniel,
It’s been almost three years since we broke up and lost contact, and still you manage to cause pain in my life.
On the day I met you, I fell in love. I knew from day one that it was a bad idea. In fact, I informed my friends that I liked you and that they needed to help keep me away from you. Somehow, deep down, I knew that you were bad for me. And yet I couldn’t keep from loving you. 
I remember holding your hand on the bus on our way to a football game. We weren’t even dating yet and somehow I found the courage to do this. A few days later you asked me out through a text message while you were sitting right by me. That was a red flag, but I dismissed it and told myself you were shy and scared. 
Two weeks into our relationship we had our first kiss. I had been saving my first kiss for someone special and I felt as though you were that person because I knew that I loved you and that I wouldn’t ever stop loving you. It was wonderful and the sparks were definitely there.

On our one month anniversary, while we were in biology class: you got a text from a girl named Ruby. She said that she was going to tell me and that I deserved to know. I was so confused and asked you what it was about. I don’t remember what explanation you gave me, but I do remember accepting it. I loved you so much that I believed everything you told me.
Later, that same day, we went on a band trip to an away football game. We stopped at the mall before it to get something to eat. I noticed a red flag in which you only hung out with me all day and that you made us avoid everyone else. I assumed that it was because you wanted to make me feel special.

When we arrived at our destination in which the football game was being held, we went our separate ways to our designated spots in the stands. During the third quarter, when we were able to get concessions, Ruby came up to me. She informed me that you had cheated on me with her and that everyone already knew. I looked so foolish. 
I remember being so upset that I ran to the bathroom and threw up. I regretted ever falling in love with you. And I regretted having my first kiss with you. I walked up to you and asked you why you did it and you refused to give me an explanation: saying that there wasn’t a reason. 
The rest of the football game seemed to take forever to end and on the bus ride back home I still sat with you. I asked again why you cheated on me and you repeated that you didn’t know why but that you were sorry. You asked me to stay with you and promised that it would never happen again. I believed you because I was blinded by love.

Months flew by and I was happier than ever with you. I had completely forgiven you. Then one day everything changed between us. It was the day that you first attempted to get me to have sex with you. We were walking on the railroad tracks and you pulled me in for a kiss. You then slid your hands down my body. I remember laughing and pushing you off, telling you no. You were unhappy with my answer and ignored me the whole walk back. It hurt me. I couldn’t understand why you wouldn’t wait until marriage. I just assumed it was because you loved me so much. Another red flag.
After that day, when I told you I wanted to wait, you began to treat me differently. You would get angry at me for everything and nothing I did was enough for you. You began to demand that I get rid of my friends, saying that some were trying to get in the way of our relationship and that others were toxic or jealous of us. I didn’t want to lose you so I slowly, one by one, gave up all my friends. 

Each day you became more and more toxic. You began to constantly want sex, and I constantly told you no and that I wasn’t ready. You would then call me awful, cruel names. They hurt me so badly. Soon, your constant toxicity and bad moods rubbed off on me. I began to treat you just as bad, if not worse, out of anger. 
While the relationship became toxic and I was aware I was unhappy, I still loved you through it all. I believed with all my heart that we were stronger than our battles and that we would overcome our adversities. I was determined to make it work. And you said you were too. 

One day we began to talk about our future together. You would talk about how excited you were to have children with me, and I would reciprocate the excitement. The day you mentioned our future was the day that I truly believed we would last forever.
Then I found out you were talking to Ruby again. And I lost it. I blamed her for our unhappy times and I argued with her over you constantly. You would even give me your phone so I could text her and argue. You loved the attention, didn’t you? 

One day, while you were over, I changed into purple shorts. When I came out of the bathroom and into my room with them on, you immediately pounced on me. I laughed and told you no. I thought it was a joke. But it wasn’t. You told me to be quiet and before I knew it you were inside me. 
I remember giving up and closing my eyes. Displacing myself from the situation. You were so much stronger than me, there was no point in fighting. 
After you raped me, I curled up into a ball and cried my eyes out. Meanwhile, you sat on the opposite end of the bed and played on your phone. Eventually I asked you why you did it and you came up with THE excuse. The excuse that led me to believe it was my fault. You said that it was because I changed into shorts that made me look hot. You said that you felt an overwhelming love and need for me. You said you couldn’t stop yourself. I forgave you. 

Then, three days later, you broke up with me. Telling me that you couldn’t do the relationship anymore. Telling me that I was too toxic. As if you had no fault in this. But I knew the reason as to why you broke up with me. We were indeed bad for each other, but you did not break up with me for that. You broke up with me because you had gotten what you wanted and were ready to play with someone else’s heart. 
I literally begged you to stay but you said you were done. 

And now here is the hard part:
You, Daniel, broke me. I gave you my heart, my love and my trust; and you destroyed it all. You took it all willingly and you willingly broke it all. I was all-giving in the relationship, and you were all-taking. You are selfish. You hurt me in more ways than I could possibly count. I absolutely hate you. You have made it so hard for me to trust anyone and to build relationships. You have made it so hard to be happy. 
With this being said, thank you. Thank you for breaking me. Because I picked up the pieces and I made myself ten times better than I was before you. I learned so many lessons from you. And I changed in so many ways. While the immediate change was bad, the long term change was amazing. So, thank you. Thank you for teaching me what a bad relationship looks like and how to find red flags.

1 Comment

  1. Taylor 3 months ago

    This is heartbreaking

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