It feels pathetic to do this, but everything I feel is pathetic to the highest degree so at least it’s honest. That was a problem you always had with me. I wasn’t honest. Not that I really overtly lied but I never really told you how I truly felt. I don’t know why. I wanted to but the words wouldn’t come out right.
That’s one thing I love about you. You were always so brutally honest. I thought it was so brave. You would admit weakness and vulnerability, ego and arrogance; you really trusted me. I wish I was as brave as you. But also I feel like you consider every feeling you have as fact. That’s why long distance didn’t work. The second you felt scared you abandoned me. and you have done. that so many times. And the second you were alone you wanted me back. It hurts to know that you only want me when you are unhappy or unfulfilled. But the second you had other things going for you, you thought I would just hold you back from happiness. See thats the thing about what you. You are so so honest. But it seems impossible to believe your words when I consider your actions. I think the truth for you is constantly changing and shifting. And i guess truth and feelings are constantly shifting but Im not shifting. I have been steady and loyal to you for every moment. I am still loyal to you. I was ok at first when we broke up. Idk I was just thinking how it was for the best. I worked out constantly and was excited about college. And then you called me. And at first I was so happy. But you didn’t say you loved me when you were sober. That hurt. and then to call me again drunk and to defend what you did and say that it was weird to say you loved me when we weren’t together as if you hadn’t said you loved me 1000 times the night before. To give me your love and then take it away again. For the millionth fucking time. Why do you keep leaving me? I have never left you. I am still here for you always. I feel incredibly fucking scared right now. Not about you. I don’t think Chicago was right for me. I don’t connect with the people here, I barely have friends. I don’t even know why. It just wasn’t what i thought.
I’m applying to other schools. I feel like you would get this. You really were my best friend for a while there. I don’t know if that was the healthiest thing especially for us but it’s true. I wish I could have you back. I don’t know how. Long distance does not work for us and I know that for a fact. It just feels ridiculous to wait to be with you. And to be honest, I don’t trust you. I don’t trust that you wont cut off any feelings that you have for me or had once a few years pass. I think you are brave in some ways but you are an absolute wimp about getting hurt. Im scared that you will run when I show up in a few years or whatever. And that would just kill me. Because I don’t see myself healing anytime soon. Nowhere close for several years. I don’t know Natalie. I don’t even know why i’m writing this. I just want to tell someone. You are the only one who knows how much I love you. and the only one who gets what Im feeling right now because hopefully you’re feeling the same thing I guess. That seems cruel to wish that on you. But Im trying to be honest. I always tried to protect your feelings in my own way and say that I cared about your happiness more than anything and yeah I guess I do but rlly the only thing Im feeling is that I hope you are hurting just as bad as me and that maybe because of that I will have a chance again someday. Im sorry