I need to get this off my chest even though it will not change anything other than allow me to begin attempting to accept the facts, and move on with my life. The things that ended us are pride and honesty. The stupidest thing about that…..these are the exact things that I said we’re my deal breakers. 

I’m trying to wrap my mind around the fact that there are just some people who need to lie in order to avoid taking responsibility for their actions, and then defend the lies when outright caught. I figured out in elementary school that I couldn’t look someone in the eye knowing that they knew I was being dishonest. I had to just decide to be honest. But some people obviously pushed through that and decided to become comfortable with knowing that they do bad things to other people.

When we first started talking about getting married, I mentioned that I felt uneasy because of trust issues. I told you what made me nervous and why I didn’t want to rush things. You assured me that you were not that person and would never do that to me.

So we kept moving forward.

I asked you if we could do things that would help make me feel more comfortable like counseling. We even made a list once of wedding “Needs” “Wants” and “Would be Nice”. Counseling was the only thing I put on the “Needs” side. It was also the only thing from that list we didn’t do.

But we kept moving forward.

I told you that I wasn’t crazy about the outdoor wedding in a place that meant nothing to us specifically, and that an abandoned warehouse was more to my liking than that. I also wanted to come up with creative picture ideas regardless of whatever we decided. So we picked a random park with no “fun” pictures 

….and kept moving forward..

My job became a huge source of stress and I was fighting an uphill battle. Not only that, but during a time in our lives that will come to be known as one of the most stressful times of our generation. Covid was destroying couples left and right while I fought alone for two.

But I stayed strong for you because you had an even more tragic experience that left you crippled. So while struggling to manage my own life, job, emotions, on my own, I also was trying to plan a wedding with the limited finances we had. To say that you didn’t help with finances doesn’t really say it. You were literally working against me and not only did you insist on the ring that we had no money for, but it was upgraded TWO more times after that, while my ring cost $11.00. Just so you see that right Eleven Dollars.

And we kept moving forward.

By the time we got married, you had spent the prior 2 months in bed. You got up for work and to eat, but nothing more. We hadn’t made love in those prior two months to our wedding day. As I’m sure you remember, we didn’t that night either. I knew you were struggling, so I did everything that I could to support and love you. Most nights, you showed your gratitude by rolling over, saying nothing, and going to sleep without even an “I love you”. I started trying to squeeze in any sort of conversation I could so that I could feel something, but everything I said or did was irritating to you.

But I kept moving forward.

Even something that you consider to be me “making a bigger deal out of than it is”, I still feel like I was far more understanding and respectful than any other person I have ever met would have been. You literally spent all of our wedding gift money on yourself. The only reason I think I reacted as calmly as I did is because I was in shock. I kept telling myself that no one in the world could possibly be that inconsiderate, especially someone that I have literally given everything to.

But I kept moving forward.

I tried everything that I could to make you happy. I bought you a candle making kit because we couldn’t afford candles from the store and you told me how happy candles made you. I made 10 pounds worth of candles……you made none.

I bought lights to put in all rooms of the apartment because you told me how depressing it felt in there. I only saw you use one, and only when you were doing your nails in bed.

I made sure you always had at least a 12 pack of diet mountain dew. 

I drove 20 miles, one way, by myself, to get you weed whenever you were out, and even though 

I asked every time, you only came with me once because when you couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough. 

I would have to leave to go pick up dinner, even though you were literally on your way home from work and I was already home.

The one thing I told you I would not bend on under any circumstances was getting a cat because I am allergic. So we compromised and got a cat. Yes, I am aware that he was, (for the most part), hypo allergenic and I obviously love the cat. But the fact that I lucked out in this situation doesn’t take away from the fact that you had absolutely no respect for me in making it.

But I still kept moving forward.

Everyday I would do something, anything, just to get you to smile and be happy. But everyday you would come home, have me get dinner for you, and tell me about how shitty your day was or how terrible your co-workers are. At this point too, you had even stopped being shy about cutting me off mid sentence to tell me what was on your mind. You not only didn’t seem to care about me as your husband, but you didn’t even bother to acknowledge that I was speaking anymore. The day it really ended was when I cleaned the bathroom for you. On my hands and knees, top to bottom. A hail mary attempt to get some kind of love out of you. The only thing you said was, “You didn’t dust the trim board?” I almost puked. But that’s the exact moment it happened.

You see, for some reason I will never not bet on love. It’s just how I was built. No matter how absolutely horrific a person is, I want to believe that they just need to know what love is. Well apparently I was dismissed from the driver seat of my own brain. I actually felt my emotional self shut down and fall into auto pilot. I believe that I was terrified at that moment. I say believe only because I knew I recognized the feeling in my body and my brain’s muscle memory said this was a horrific thing, but I actually felt nothing. Nothing at all. I no longer cared if you loved me or hated me. I mean, truly had no concern, one way or the other. 

I was absolutely crushed. I could not take being heart broken day after day physically or emotionally anymore, but because I would give my life for you, my body took over and put itself into survival mode knowing that you wouldn’t even go as far as to hold a fart for me….

so I did what I had to in order to move forward.

You have caused me so much pain and heartbreak that in order to save myself, I had to separate from you emotionally. You want me to act like nothing is wrong and to just get over everything. You think I am heartless because one night, you cried because I told you that I would not share my stimulus check if you weren’t going to share yours. For one, that is ridiculous all by itself. But more importantly, I sat next to you for almost a year just begging you for the smallest sign of affection and it was always met with the opposite. Never good enough, stupid ideas, hates everything that I like, degrading words, and then right to sleep. I have cried over you more than you will ever know. In fact now that I’ve gone back to look. The first time I thought of leaving you was March 15th……2020!

I desperately hung on to this idea that one day you were going to snap out of this funk and everything would be okay, but that’s not what happened. You continued to say things to diminish my worth and ignore all of the things that I said that I need. You also continue to lie and hide things from me as if I don’t realize it. And then to finish the job, you convince the world that I, me, am the evil person and you are able to convince the world to shut me out, so that you don’t have to admit it. 

We will always protect what’s most important to us. I was definitely not ready to find out that you value your image and money more than my actual life. I can’t believe I’m so easily convinced to marry and give everything to a lie. What terrifies me is that evil people like you exist and the most caring of us are unable to see it right in front of them. Now that I can clearly see your soul, or lack there of, I can say that God themselves couldn’t convince me that you actually add any value to this world. 

This is the point where I would wish upon you the worst thing I can think of, but I see the change in the world unfolding. Good people are done taking shit from people like you. So I am certain that you have so much worse than what my imagination can come up with coming your way.