What did I not do?

What did I not do?

What did I not do?

The cracks were there, even during the engagement, so many years ago. There were happy times, no denying it. But the cracks got bigger. At first, you assured me that the cracks had nothing to do with me. If I would just stop talking to this family member, if I would be only slightly different, then things would be better. And I believed you. I was naive. I acted in ways contrary to myself, hurting other people, because my marriage came first.Perhaps you were also naive, not realizing that years of doing this is a form of abuse. And the abuse got worse. You started telling me what I have to do to win your respect, you made me apologize for hours whenever you felt hurt. And then I realized. Giving in to pain creates more of it.

I was slow to realize. But when I did, I tried to change unhealthy patterns. But the damage had been done. It affected my health, it affected members of mine and your family. And then you started saying that you wanted a divorce. Then you started slandering me. Then you succeeded in putting me in a psychiatric ward. You didn’t succeed that well though. I was seen by no less than six psychiatrists, none of whom gave me any diagnosis of ill health. But you had what you could latch on to, and your requests for divorce came ever increasing, ever virulent, ever more manipulative.
In the end I gave you a divorce.

We have four children. They’re young, so young. For their sake, try to be who you once were. For them, for me, for you, for extended family, for all the people who have been hurt. And then perhaps, the pain will subside.


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