I was always so sure, defensive, proud, comfortable and confident in us. We were based on “friendship, trust, truth, faithfulness, loyalty”…all the things that make for a partnership.. a forever and stand the test of time

And because of that i chose you everyday for years, even when things between us would waiver, when things in our relationship were so hard and painful for me and i knew something was wrong and i asked….when i had doubts about you, us…when i was tempted with the what else was out there….i knew we were those things and that couldn’t be matched

But i was wrong…two people with that kind of relationship would never intentionally hurt each other the way you have hurt me….. 
I genuinely loved you… it wasn’t malicious or ill intended… and I really did give you my best and my all and chose you everyday… and i let you in

i am disappointed that you are not the person i  thought you to be… you are what the world said you were and warned me about …. And so much worse

Remember every time i said… ‘l love you’ …and you’d ask me …“Why” ….And id say ….“i ask myself that everyday”….

I really did ask myself everyday…I think deep down i knew what you are, i just thought i was special….i loved the story of us.. two kids who became two friends…two lovers … two adults 10 years later and still going

it is really painful the way our story ended….. the way that it did was narcissistic, callous and unnecessary on your part

I was going to be ashamed, hurt and broken when what you were up to for years finally came out, there was no need for the final theatrics.. but I suppose that was the point.. to make sure I received the final fuck you…

and that is now our story. 

I would want you to know pain, grief and suffering and have the worst life and this dark cloud that you given me….but then there is her…she is now tied to you

I don’t know her… but I think she is wonderful and she sees the best in you, and she knows your relationship to be honest, loyal, faithful trustworthy and a true friendship…. 

….i hope she will never know the pain you are capable of giving … she will never know what i have now come to know you are, and that you will be the family, happiness and home i know she is looking forward to for the rest of your lives.

I understand that i was not who you were looking for in a wife and a mother for your kids, in a life partner …and it is was your right to choose who was your fit… But i am a human being and i wasn’t that worthless ……you could have at least seen me and treated me as that.. told the truth about that in the final days…. 

Maybe my actions and words never showed it… but you really were my love and my friend…and i believed we were forever ….

I am not perfect, and i know we were not perfect, i am sorry for hurting you in anyway…i wish i knew honestly what i did that was so bad that I deserved what you have done.

It’s funny how at this time last year we were talking on phone everyday…… you were grieving …  and i thought i wish i could share that pain… i hope next year will be so much better for him…..

and it has been….

This time it is my turn to grieve …i have never experienced loss of a loved one and i did not know what to expect. 

i am in such pain, i cry everyday and everything feels so dark … unending and unreal . … 

i used to love sleeping and watching my tv shows in bed all day…and looked forward to our texts and daily phone calls…the calls you made from the supermarket, on your way home, in the car park…… it was silly, i felt you took the effort to give me that… because communication was a thing for me…and it made me smile…..but it really was because she was at home waiting for you

Oh…That wasn’t Irene and Rhoda’s stuff at your place… and it wasn’t always your sisters at your house ….and you weren’t ALWAYS working or with your dad…. again its silly… I thought ‘he is a hard worker with such  potential and loves his family’ 

I always felt so guilty that i also resented those qualities in you because they made me see you barely….and feel like i was just an ATM  for you…the irony….

You must have smirked and laughed at my naivety and silliness… my blind commitment to you…every-time i told you i knew after Irene … i was the second female in your life… the surety i had… even when you said you were probably getting married that weekend … i laughed and wished you well

You have really burst my bubble of what genuine friendship, relationships, and love is…. for someone who was planning to make a life commitment to their best friend…You were having extremely inappropriate interactions with me and I suspect… i wasn’t the only one

It strange how my friends and family always had their concerns and doubts about you… i do not delude myself, that your family and friends possibly had the same sentiments about me… but i had chosen you.. you were my kind of awkward, weird, dark humor …..not ordinary…

I always prayed and wished that we could be ‘normal’ … have sleepovers, spend a lot more time together, go on trips , gifts, outings, lots of shared meals, home cooked meals…you providing for me ……be like other couples… 

i was soo excited when you were getting your own place  and i thought that was it… things were starting to workout for you… i could see where your money had been going… we had a lot of catchup to do…i’d bought fridge magnets and stuff….

but you never wanted me over, you did not want to spend time together… it was always something… I thought… oh his first place… he needs to enjoy it first…his independence…i have such a bond with someone beyond the physical……

I only didn’t know you were having normal with someone else. i even joked you must be getting the physical from someone else

My biggest regret about ‘us’ is that i had all these doubts and things that did not sit well with me… and i wasn’t happy… and i knew something was wrong…. But it was just a phase right?! …i wanted everyone to see you as i did…

i had all these bells but i didn’t talk to or tell anyone about it…i did not want to be told what id been warned of about you…the we told you so’s ….i didn’t want to be wrong about you…. I could not be wrong… it was you ….nosal…

In our final conversations… I remember you saying…’ if you ever get married.. marry your friend’… and I remember thinking… but you are that friend.. the friend who had just made it abundantly clear that you don’t want marriage kids and in any case i was the wrong tribe…

And 6 weeks later on social media….you did… you wanted that …the ‘ not with you’ had been silent . The with me was sexting and money

I just dont understand why you you did not say something years ago , that you weren’t happy… that you had found someone…leave me and let me go find my friend….because you were finding your yours. It would have hurt but i doubt as much as it does now… 

I know time heals … i don’t know how long it will take…to go back…, to have blind trust… be able to see the best in people when i trust, to love , to let another in,… to move past this shame, self doubt , feeling of used and dirty…worthlessness. 

10 years …..i know now it is meaningless and worthless to you… and i was just a number …but i have not even so much as pecked another man in the last seven years because you were it for me… flaws and all.. i gave you my mind body and soul.

It is painful, disappointing and sad that i wasn’t your choice… but it is gut wrenching that i wasn’t even your friend. you just tolerated me for what you could get until you couldn’t take anything from me anymore

I am many bad things and I probably made you feel down about yourself and did not respect you…but I know for sure i would never and will never hurt you or anyone so intentionally .