How are you, A? It’s been a couple of months since we cut off contact, and I think it’s probably the best decision that could’ve been made. You’re living your life with her and I live mine. There’s no point in me holding on to somebody that actively made the choice to hurt me. I get it; she was closer, she’s pretty, she liked you…but you led her on by not telling her about me, you lied to me about having feelings for her, and you actively fostered a relationship with her that was more than just friends.

Reflecting back on our relationship, I wasn’t perfect either. I became obsessive over the idea of you leaving me when I wasn’t there physically. I became self-conscious and needy and somebody that I didn’t even like myself. How could I expect you to love me when I didn’t even love myself? This isn’t to excuse what you did, but I can see why things went downhill fast. However, your explanation for why you did it I will never forget because it changed me as a person and the way I saw myself; “If I could love you and have these feelings for you, what makes you think I couldn’t feel the same way about her?”

At that moment, I felt my heart drop and felt a pain I never wish to feel again. Five days prior, you were telling me how much you loved me, how much you cared about me…that same day I also caught her name pop up as a lovey-dovey handle while mine was just my plain name. But, you know what, I forgave you and decided to believe whatever BS explanation you gave me. I somehow knew that that would be the last date we ever had.

Looking back, you were solemn, played only sad romantic music, and barely smiled. I was oblivious. Lucky me. I can’t be friends with you no matter how much I want to stay in contact with you and check in once in a while. Not just because I feel hurt by what you did, but because even after everything I still love you. I can’t be friends with you and love you without being able to forgive you. So I said bye.

But now I’m wondering how you are…are you happy?? I hope she is everything that I couldn’t be for you and I hope you don’t hurt her the same way. She only knows your part of the story, but I hope she never has to go through my shoes. I want to reach out to you really bad and catch up, but I know I shouldn’t. I’m different now and so are you. I’m out here living my life, trying to rebuild what was broken, trying to see myself for who I am as a person; trying to realize that I am worthy of love again. In truth, I’m still broken. I don’t know when I can ever be that vulnerable like that with somebody ever again, but there’s no rush. My time will come soon. I secretly hope there comes a time when I run into you so you can see how different I am now from the person I was before. Wherever you are, and whatever you’re doing, I secretly hope I’m still on your mind just as much as you’re on mine. Would I want to date you again? no. I just wish you well. Hope you’re okay, A. Hope you’re happy.