I do still love you even though I’ve never been mistreated so badly. When I heard you were hurting I hurt even more even though when I was hurting during our arguments you didn’t flinch. I’m trying to wrap my head around it all. I was pretty sure you hated me and the pain I endured for two years had me backed into a corner – I knew I needed to leave and you knew I wanted to.

Why didn’t you fight for me when you knew what was round the corner. Instead you treated me worse to protect yourself? I left you on text and the guilt eats away at me even though any secure  person would have left at the beginning of the relationship. I convinced myself I was done with you and us and that mental abuse is not love.

But why is it that you’re still everywhere I go in my mind. You’re holding my hand when I go on walks and you’re holding me close when I sleep. I will never not miss the affection and scraps of love you gave me because those moments often made up for all the bad.

I’m scared I’ll let you back in and I don’t think I can get out of this awful nightmare of a lose-lose situation. We both know you can’t love me the way I need to, but I often take bare minimum you can give just to have your love.