I keep missing you, especially at night when I’m finally alone. The loneliness suffocates me. I wish that I could reach out to you but I know it would do no good and I’m sure you’re happy I’m gone. I think I miss our life together more than I miss you. I’m tired of being alone with no one who loves me to cares that I’m safe or okay. I hope things are going well with you. I wish I could stop hating myself so much all the time, it’s exhausting but I know that was never your problem. I want to tell you you were right about many things but it wouldn’t help would it?

I wanted so much for us to work out but I am such a broken person I don’t even know what’s right and I’m so sorry I brought you down to my level. I couldn’t be that constantly positive person you were. I was struggling so much and I always struggle. I didn’t want to interrupt your life like that but I am hurt as well and you did a lot to me that you shouldn’t have. I wish more than anything to reach out and touch you. To feel your arms around me as I cry and tell you all the horrible things that have happened to me and how the trauma is compounded but I can’t even speak to you again. It wouldn’t matter anyway because you couldn’t be that person for me. I don’t even think you saw me. You could pretend to know me but you didn’t.

I cry and cry for you or the idea of you because the real you wasn’t what I wanted or needed. This image of you I keep conjuring up is some idealised version. It doesn’t even exist. I want the fantasy.