Dear Isabella, 

I really wish things would’ve worked out with us and i don’t understand why you hate me and i really don’t understand how this happened all so quickly like a collision . I don’t know. Maybe i’m the fool. Maybe i’m fucking stupid. I’m still so confused about everything that happened and I wake up everyday wondering what I could’ve done and what I shouldn’t have done and what I didn’t do. The guilt I put on myself for this happening is extremely overwhelming and it eats me alive every single waking second minute and hour. I don’t know how to even explain the feeling of it all but it feels like you died. It feels like you died right in front of me in my arms and there was nothing I could do to stop it.  

When you said your mental health was suffering was it because you were guilty because you knew you had a plan to completely shatter me and immediately run into the arms of another?  Is that why you told me you felt so bad about yourself that night? Now, I know there were other things going on that I may never know. Only what you have told me. I don’t even know what to believe anymore with you.  I just wanted you to fucking talk to me. I wanted you to fucking tell me everything because i was your girlfriend.

I was supposed to be your home. I was supposed to be the one you tell anything too and now i just sit here wondering what happened to you.  I even got scared at one point and thought to myself ” what if somebody contacts me and tells me she’s gone?” I didn’t and i still don’t know if you’re suicidal but i suppose that Isn’t really my place anymore. But honestly you dying would hurt less than this because you’re fucking alive out there in the world and i know you’re out there living life without me with your new person and there’s no way for me to reach you. I never got to hug you, i never got to  kiss you. You never gave me that opportunity because every time i tried harder to see you, the harder you pulled back and cared more about everyone else.

I still think to myself What does she have that i don’t? Or whoever you chose over me that night. I tried to be there for you, I always tried to do the things you liked. I got so interested in what hobbies you had and involved myself in your passions. I wanted to be your biggest cheerleader and if you weren’t there? I was talking about you and all the things we were going to do. I told the fucking world how precious you were to me and that i was so in love with you and i couldn’t wait to call you my Mrs someday. I loved spoiling you and making you smile. I loved receiving your gifts even more because i had never gotten stuff like that before. Your creativity is just out of this world.

You know, one thing I fell for with you, is your need to be super fucking unique and just so fucking out there. Maybe that’s why everyone likes you. I don’t know you’re just Bella. Like that’s you. I fell for you because of the way you speak and the way your words sounded like a soft harmony and  comforted me. You just always used to know what to say. You know what being around you felt like? Like a huge fucking big warm bug wrapped around my heart and my entire being. Like its indescribable and i don’t think many people in their life are that lucky to be able to feel a love so deep like that and my grandma was always right about one thing “its better to have loved and lost then never loved at all” and i still stand by that.  

There was absolutely nothing in this world that i wouldn’t do for you. I would take a bullet straight through my heart for you. Even now with how much you’ve hurt me I would still take that bullet for you.  That’s the shitty thing. I don’t think i’ll ever find somebody that makes me feel like that again nor do i really even want it with anyone other than you. I think there’s no going to another place now. I can’t open up my heart like that. I’ve been with a lot of people but you? you were just kind of that person that made my heart open up and made and my entire being just light up like the sun surrounded me and every time i was with you, heard you talk or just watched you do all the small things and even being apart, that warmth stayed with me until you got back.We used to stay up night upon nights just talking about the universe and all the fucked shit in the world, our childhoods and sharing childhood memories and pictures.

I feel like i know you like the back of my hand but maybe i really didn’t. Because you changed when she came around. When they came around. Now i don’t really know what was so embarrassing about me that you needed to keep me sheltered from everyone in your life and i think that will forever haunt the back of my mind. Your whole demeanor just changed. I used to look into these sweet, innocent, precious nothing but love filled eyes to cold, dead, dark, emotionless eyes and sometimes, most times? You wouldn’t even look at me at all. You slowly changed and now i think i know why. You’d been hiding her from me. You put on a facade and you couldn’t play the part anymore.

Maybe your mental health got too much for you and for that I’m really truly sorry because the mind can be a very dark and scary place but i also think you just hid me from these women. You didn’t want something real. You’ve been so abused in your childhood that i think you don’t even know how to be loved. You just want it quick and dirty. You just want fast simple attention with no strings attached and congratulations, she was that for you.

I constantly hope you know how it feels someday because you could’ve just left me alone. You could’ve just let me go on with my life. I keep thinking about how my life would be if i had never gotten in a relationship with you. If we just never crossed paths. If you never joined Nesryn’s livestreams those times because now i’m stuck picking up all the broken pieces.  There’s a huge hole inside of me that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fill in this life.

This isn’t just some silly little breakup that you get over in a few months time.  You probably already know (or maybe you don’t) I not only had to let go of you, but i also I had to let go of Kaizer too and letting you both go was probably the hardest thing I’ve had to do in my entire life. Letting you go is not simple. It’s not like I can just wake up one day and just go about my life like nothing happened. It’s not like I can just erase you although sometimes I wish I could. I just walk around being a shell of a human being. Oh, also me and La Jeanna aren’t friends anymore. We’re pretty much fucking dead to each other and want nothing more than bad things on each other. I hate her fucking guts and she hates mine. I want nothing more than to never ever talk to her again. Not that you care though.  

Not you though. Somehow you’re the one that fucked me over the most and i still don’t and could never hate you. I hate what you did though. Somehow all in one fucking day i managed to lose of the people i thought i’d never lose. I guess that’s what time does though. It changes people. La Jeanna turned out to be the devil in sheep’s clothing and Kaizer is just a poor bystander that had to unfortunately be in the middle of our relationship, and well you? you’re just you and i don’t have anything more to say about you. What a sad ending.