It’s so sad that I put up with 6 years of roller coaster emotions, anger management issues, your severe depression and even homicidal ideation.
You thought your mother had bpd but now looking back, you always blamed Everyone for your problems.
You always kept secrets, like to break the rules for fun, but could never grow out of your old habits of having others fix your mistakes.
We were always different. At first I was not interested, then I felt you were funny. I gave it a go. You said I Love You the day I said yes to going out with you. You were very intense.
But you quickly changed. You could never stop comparing to your ex ’emily’ who was horrible, abusive, and cheated on you countless times. She was adopted, crazy, emotionally abusive, so you said. Funny because you became all those things except adopted. I was too genuinely in love to admit this was not headed well.
You were always stressed out. Couldn’t hold a job because they were never good enough for you or prevented you from your”games” over the weekend. You never had a sense of responsibility. I should have known you would thereby not respect me, no boundaries.
We would walk for hours! How many miles! Though you said it wasn’t my job to fix you, but you made me feel horrible for trying to have a life of my own. You would lay all the weight on me. Never told your friends about the things.
We broke up when you were so high and going behind my back. We spoke after a month over hummus and Greek coffee. I told you I didn’t want to be with you any longer. I should have stuck to my guns.
We hung out. Got back together. It started to happen all over again.
I know it was hard because you could never come over to my place. But you were strange Handsome. You did strange things, you treated me well only after treating me badly. I got used to it.
I did love you, honestly. But I always felt like you were just using me. Your back up plan. Your default.
I pushed you to make new friends. You kinda did, but you talked about strange things still.
I compromised… Myself. Worked around your games, even drove far for you. You complained I was always busy, but whenever I made an effort to make time with you, you would push back. Things were always on your terms.
Then tons of sex, your ego was fed, I felt like we were close again.
I paid for most of our outings, dinner, camping, etc.
You would go camping too. With your own friends. Go play cards, etc. I never called because I wanted to give you the freedom you would never give me.
You would get pissed at me for needing time for school. Can you believe I actually felt bad?! But I loved you.
You would get very jealous of your brothers and parents for talking to me. And of course, you didn’t say anything to them. You would make me go on a walk, at your pace, until I was in tears. You emotional bully! I would go home thinking something was wrong with me!
You got word you’re finally going to your program in the military in January. You started to think about things. At this point, I admit, I had already checked out. I met someone at the hospital who made me realize you were putting out my spark in life. I didn’t care you were going back to partying and being a fool. What was the point in bothering?
You almost got arrested for trying to fight an EMT! What is wrong with you! At that point I felt I lost you. I drove you back the next night to get your car back in the make of a field. On the way back thought: Is this how it’s going to be if we get married? Do I want to even do that? Did I push him to do stupid things.
I spoke to my friends. All four agreed, you’re no good.
You broke up over the phone, like a true man. I asked to meet in person.
You said you needed time to focus on your program in January. I wasn’t available to hangout as much anymore. We only met up once a week or so. Alright.
I stared at you and realized.
But I realized something. The whole time I felt sad around you, was all the projected self esteem issues you have been dealing with. I dated a narcissist.. . Can you believe that!
So we agreed that we would not talk again. You will write when you are out there. But why?
I told you while tipsy, we were never going to get married. It was not open for discussion. It was a fact.
I can’t marry someone who is not honest. Speaks badly of his friends then goes to their property to camp, or over to their house and hang out.
I can’t marry someone who feels the need to keep secrets or withhold information.
Who feels the need to always seek attention from girls because he cannot ever feel comfortable around other men in the room.
I can’t marry a man who always puts me down, forces me to feel bad because of the way I am, laugh, am bubbly, or forces me to have sex because he is feeling shitty.
You were the only person who ever made me feel bad for being smart. Made me feel bad for being cheery, excited about life. Or maybe we’re just not meant to be. Oil and water.
I can’t trust you Handsome. I want someone who wants me. Not someone who needs me to feel good about themselves. It was an abusive and codependent relationship.
I got my own apartment, bought a new car, got a new awesome job, and am dating someone who is proud of me. Respects me. Appreciates me. I feel loved.
Six years with you Handsome. And now I feel like I can grow.
You are headed to something challenging. I hope you grow to appreciate yourself. Fall in love with yourself. Respect yourself. I did honestly love you. For things beyond the negative. But if it rains so often, and it floods, its hard to recognize that the train has stopped when you feel like the flood took everything from you.
I hope you become happy. But for all that has happened, I hope you don’t write to me. If you did, it would have to be if you are ready to apologize for all the hurt you have put me through.
Even then, you can’t bring back my naive belief that you are honest. If we can’t trust each other now, respect each other so near, how will we ever do so if you are away in the military.
Your friends can deal with you. You’ll find a girl “who needs to helped” and will feel needed. But not here.
I never needed you Handsome. I only ever wanted you.