In case I start feeling sorry for myself for what is gone. I’ll think of the first lie you told me. The lie that would become the foundation of our relationship. How easy it was for you to hide the truth. Over and over again. I’ll think of all the times your inaction didn’t match your words. Words were always the easiest for you. Silver tongued fox you would say with a cunning smile. I’ll remind myself of the justification and prayer I leaned on to talk myself into believing you. It never added up and I knew. Every time…I knew.

I’ll remember when your words became not enough. And then my heart started doing your dirty work for you. But you were counting on that. I’ll think of all the practice you must have had. Having hearts like mine become malleable in your hands. Manipulation is a learned behavior and one area you don’t fall short. I’ll beware that even the smartest minds are vulnerable to confusion once the heart gets involved. Like putting a jigsaw puzzle together that someone abandoned in front of you. No box, no picture, no reference. Some of the pieces may be missing, some from another game. Just collect the pieces as they show themselves and in time some will fit while others don’t. Eventually, if you remain engaged and don’t quit it, you begin to see a fragment of what is in front of you. Although it’s always been there it was so hard to see.

I’ll think of all the lack, the junk, the mess, and the drama that sums up your life. Yet I pretended to not be bothered. I’ll think of the zero sum game this would have been for us and I’ll leave that to play out between you and your beloved. I’ll think of God’s mercy on my soul and feel blessed that He showed me the light. Your veil of deception was lifted in time and I finally saw the picture in front of me that I had been wanting so hard to make out. For that I’m eternally grateful. I’ll remind myself that I’m not afraid to connect with someone real and then pass them on when I know that they aren’t. I’ll think of all the things I’ve learned over this past year and I’ll vow to do it different next time. After all, there will always be a next time.