Dear N, 

I need to get this off my chest so here is everything i wish i can tell you,
I remember first meeting you we were so young so in love yet so confused and lost i still remember the first time we met the first time i laid my eyes on you, came to me and made me your friend from that point on i knew that you were going to be something very important in my life and you were we made so many memories together so man laughter moments you really were a light that could make anything and everything shine bright just by you being in the same room, you always made sure i was never alone and was my company when i needed it.

You were there for me when i needed you most i had other friends that were also there but it felt like if i was walking through a field of sunflowers sure they all look the same but you stood out and i knew that i didn’t ever want to deal with the grieve of loosing you, yet i did. We were so young and we both didn’t know what we wanted when we wanted it and why we wanted it but yet through all these feelings we both deep down knew that we loved and wanted each other. I remember the night you asked me to be your girlfriend i was the happiest girl in the world when i read the sentence out loud in my head the smile that immediately had grown on my face was nothing like i’ve felt before.

You were my first love and i wish it wasn’t you. I loved you deeply and i still do but you make everyday a living hell for me everywhere i go everywhere i look i’m reminded of you. I know you’ve moved on and i know you have a new lover and i’m glad you do i’m glad your happier and that you forgot me (your first love) i sometimes wish that it never ended but everything must come to an end because even the sun sets in paradise.

Every moment of every second i would spend it with you the laughers of us being stupid together still replays in my head sadly, I miss you i really do but if you left then you weren’t meant to stay. I moved on i found someone that loves me and cares about me more you did. oh how i wish i could rub it in your face some of my friends know you and know how i feel about you they tell me move on you’ll find someone else and i have no doubt that i’ll move on eventually but the way you just carelessly left without looking back is what makes me so confused, annoyed, and even mad.

I’ve seen you hanging out with your friends at the cafe and i just want to run in there and just hug you kiss you and just hold you and wish badly that everything would go back to normal but that doesn’t matter, no matter how many tears i cry how long i talk on hours and hours on end none of that will bring you back, I love you but i have to move on its been 4 years i just don’t know how to describe it. 

A part of me wants to hate you but the other part wants to let you go without hating you i know hate is a strong word but i really do mean it this time, I hate the way you left and ended it all. We would be so good if you never gave up on us but i know i’m not better then your current lover but i just rlly hope and i pray that you never feel how you’ve made me feel these last few months because it would be hell for you just like how you made it for me and i know a lot of people wish bad on there exs but what you did it me is so fucking painful that i wouldn’t even want to hope that you feel it because i don’t know how you’d feel.

I’m writing this to get it off my chest deep down i hate that you were my first love .
And i have to let you go, it’s been 4 years.
I hope you’re doing well.

Sincerely, your ex.
xoxo