I still think about you. I have no feelings, emotions or even hatred towards you, surprising I know. It sucks that every single time my beautiful boyfriend does anything remotely sweet, kind or caring, my first thought goes to you. I think about how you never did anything to prove how much you love me. In fact, a big part of me believes you never did. I think about how for nearly 5 years of my late teens and early 20s you isolated me from my family, my friends and even tried to sabotage my life goal, my career. I think about all the awful names you called me, how you never chose my over your friends, never stood up for me when your Dad was clearly in the wrong. You know exactly what I’m talking about. Most of all, I think about all the ways you manipulated my thinking and made me think everyone was against me but you. You told me I had social anxiety repeatedly and made fun of the way I interacted with people so much that I felt anxious to interact with anyone in your presence. You critiqued my skin, my facial features, my culture, my personality, my sense of humour, my body; nothing was good enough for you. You wanted to build a future with me because you knew I was so blindly in love with you that I would play the game, I would abide by your rules. You were stubborn and inconsiderate, you treated me less of a human and put me through hurt, pain and emotional torture because you not only didn’t like me, you hated everything about me but tried to love with all that hate. We all know that would’ve never worked.

I’ll never forget you. You taught me how not to love someone and how a human should never be treated. To this day, I don’t know why you did all the things you did. Maybe you were confused, maybe I hurt you, maybe, you were just angry at the world and took it out on me. Who knows. I made so many excuses and lied to myself every time you let me down that I had this delusional version that I loved. I never loved the real you, I loved the you that I made up in my head. I know one thing though, fuck I am a strong willed girl. You gaslighted and manipulated me so much my mild depression turned into suicidal ideation. I was so dependant on you that I felt like I was going to die of heart ache if you ever left me. Little did I know, letting go of you is best thing I’ve ever done. I am sorry though. I’m sorry about any bad feelings that I made you feel because of the way I felt, that is never nice. 

I’m writing this while going through a depressive funk. I haven’t thought about you in months but recently, I have been. I don’t miss you, I don’t want to talk to you, heck I never want anything to do with you ever again and god forbid if I ever need to interact with you. I just compare you a lot to my second love, possibly the love of my life. My sweetheart boyfriend who cares about me much I can feel his love for me from the way he looks at me. You used to look at me, but it was fake, it was not love, it was pretend admiration. It was an act you put on so I would continue to abide by your rules. Funny how you used to say “it’s the end of the world if it’s not your way”, as if I was the one with the demands. What a joke. 

If you ever come across this, I want you to know that I’m doing well. I hope you want me to be doing well. I hope that somewhere inside you is a good person that just wishes me well. I’d like to believe that because I know more than anyone else in the world that you weren’t all bad. Many people will not believe me, but there is some good in you. I just hope one day you realise that all the mean things I said and did were purely a reaction to how you treated me. I had unrealistic expectations of you, I’ll admit that. I should’ve never bestowed that expectation on you to satisfy my needs and disregard your feelings. For that also, I’m sorry. 

I am doing well by the way. I finally graduated and have a great job. It has it’s ups and downs but it’s been a great learning experience. I have a gorgeous boyfriend that loves, supports and spoils me rotten, way more than I deserve. He’s so great, you wouldn’t like him though, he’s not your kind of guy. He’s a gentle, sweet soul, not your kind of friend. 

I hope you’re doing well. This is just a letter to say everything I never got to say. You were a big part of my life and it’s hard to not compare my past and present. So I think about you, but I hope we never cross paths ever again.