This is the coward’s way of getting the last word in and parts of it may anger you – especially after 15 years have gone by.  But, here goes.

My Love, I have felt for many years you did not fall in love with me you fell in love with my mother and the idea of a happy family life that your dad did not give you.

I should have realized that when out of the blue, at Thanksgiving with mom and Bill, you, asked me to marry you.  I admit I don’t have a verbatim transcript of that conversation, but I was blown away with joy.  I couldn’t believe how I had grown to love you so deeply in such a short amount of time we had known each other.  I thought I had won the lottery.

I was actually very scared to marry you because I was afraid I would not be able to financially support you the way you wanted or deserved.  Financially, I was on the edge at that moment and, my mistake, I did not share that with you because I thought you would have second thoughts.  Looking back, I was correct. You would have had second thoughts.  And it would have saved both of us and our families 30 years of a tumultuous relationship if I had listened to my concern.

I didn’t know then that my love was so strong and I was so insecure about you possibly changing your mind, the next 30 years would, at times, be heaven and hell simultaneously.

I was so terrified of losing you that I listened for the slightest verbal clue and watched your body language to watch for any indication of your dissatisfaction or yearning for something or someone other than me.

I know now that I was so focused on you staying with me that I made many poor decisions in my businesses.  That is not your problem or your fault, but I paid far more attention to your every clue that my business and my employees eventually paid the price.  I knew from the beginning that you wanted a financially stable life.   And I was not sure that my company would provide that for either of us.  So I was continually trying to find other sources of money to assure a financially secure future.  And I am sure many of the abrupt career decisions I made were disconcerting to you.

I could have remained in the company that I built and loved if my mind had been focused on my career instead of making sure I put into action what I thought you were telling me both verbally and non-verbally.

And, as you know, that led us down many weird and wrong paths.  After we had been divorced for some time, there were a couple of things you said to me that I replay in my head every day.

One was about the million-dollar insurance policy I had on myself.  You told me I hadn’t lived up to my commitment.  That is true, however, I didn’t have the means then to make it happen.  So, I am sorry about that.  There was simply nothing I could do.

Another was the Amex bill.  I wasn’t sure how much was owed on it, but I was almost certain the innocent spouse defense would allow it to be discharged without harming your credit.  And I was correct.  It may have caused some heartburn at the time, but you came out way ahead.

But, I wasn’t 100% sure at the time so I gave you my half of the profit on the house just in case.

The other thing you told me that was like a knife in my heart was that I didn’t cherish you.

I cherished you so much I was willing to become a cuckold because of my perception that I wasn’t enough sexually for you.  I know, you told me countless times that was not true, but your body language when you were around other men told me you were not being honest with me or yourself.  When you told me how it turned you and your sister on to watch horses with their huge anatomy mate, I knew I was in trouble.

And having sex with other men shortly before and soon after we were married confirmed my concern.

I should have let you go the first time you moved out when I flew to the Bahamas with my partner.  You were right that I shouldn’t have gone, but I thought I needed to assert myself as a man when you threatened to leave me if I went. 

If I had simply let both of us go on with our lives instead of begging you to come back we may have both ended up at different places at this time of our lives.

Instead, for the next 30 years I lived in fear of the day when you would tell me it was over.

I lived out my life fulfilling that prophecy by making you feel insecure financially (you told me you didn’t want to end up like your mother – alone and penniless) and emotionally.  I knew you would never be alone, because you were a man-magnet.  But I didn’t want to be the one who left you penniless.

So, when the company blew up, I knew the only way to make sure you were not penniless was to have someone kill me or have an “accident” so my $1 million dollar life insurance policy would pay off.

But for two nights in the roughest part of the Dallas barrios I couldn’t get the nerve up to start a fight so someone would shoot me.  Then I tried driving my car into Lake Dallas but backed out because the insurance would not pay for a suicide.

I am glad you are back in church with your husband.  Perhaps if I had been the spiritual leader I should have been and remained in the church in the city we would have ended up differently.

My love, I am telling this to you now because I’m almost 80 and these are the things I wanted to say to you for years while we were married.  I don’t mean to stir the pot, but I don’t want to die not having explained many of the things that motivated me for 30 years.

Since you are reading this, my ashes, along with the three dogs that helped keep me sane since you left me, are all resting in a beautiful lake in Tennessee.  I know I was a coward to say these things to you when I was alive, but it is simply a fact I could seldom convince you of anything without it becoming a full-on shouting fight.

You were, and still are, the love of my life and I’m glad you found happiness and security.

Yours Always,
Me