I always told you, you were my champion Jason.  I was your PP,  beans, Bird. All the cute (weird)  things you used to call me, when you still “cared” about me. when you would call me over and over and text me over and over when I was mad and trying to ignore you. And I would always cave. And come running to you. In the middle of a snowstorm. A downpour thunderstorm. In the middle of the night when I had been sleeping and had to work the next morning. I always came to you. Because I couldn’t wait to see you. And be around you. You were my sunshine. My happy place. You made my heart glow. 

But then you started giving all of your attention away to all of the girls you claimed didn’t exist. Remember when you would get text messages and I would ask you about them you would just say “I’ve never met them.” “I don’t even know them.” “I don’t even know their name.” Like that was supposed to make me feel better, but still I forgave you. I let it go.  I wanted to believe what you were telling me the truth. That you didn’t care about them. I wanted to feel like I was special because I was the one there with you all of the time, every night, they weren’t.

And that was good enough for me. For a while. Until it became too much, the lies, the manipulation, the love bombing, throwing other girls in my face, making me feel jealous on purpose, and insecure. And ugly and fat. Until you finally found someone to replace me and discarded me. Without a second thought. I always knew you would leave me I just didn’t know when or that it would hurt this much. I thought you had a heart.

When we would watch YouTube videos you would cry when we watched the touching video moments and I thought you really had a heart, I thought you were being vulnerable to me and we were bonding. Was that all a dream I made up? What are you ever a genuine person? Did you have a heart – maybe you did I just wasn’t in it.  No matter what I did, it was never enough. I gave you everything I could. Everything. I tried so hard to be good enough. And it was met with insults, jabs, and put downs and eventually hatred. You hated me for trying to love you. You complimented every woman on TV, in public in front of me, but never me. And every time you did that, it broke me down just a little bit more. 

And even now, no matter what has happened, the hateful words that we’ve exchanged, the gut wrenching pain, sleepless nights, tears, I still love you. I wish you would reach out. I would forgive you for everything. I miss you. Your Pp