It is now nearly 8:00 p.m., and I’m supposed to eat my dinner. But here I am, writing this letter to you because I can’t get you out of my head. 

We broke up 4 years ago, and it was such a sad time. Four years have passed, and I still find myself missing you and loving you. The more I grew older, the more I realized what we had was magical. You were my first love, and I’ve never loved anyone that much before. I imagine our future together so many times, and I wish I could just turn back the clock just to enjoy our moments together again. I imagine how we would get back together after 4 years with our lessons learned. I imagine hugging you and crying in your arms. I imagine sitting on the bench in our college’s front yard, the same bench where I kissed you for the first time, and just talking and laughing again. I wish I could kiss you again and tell you I love you. But no, all I had left of you was just a boring conversation on social media with you that I’m trying to hold onto. I know you’re not interested in talking to me, and that really hurts me. However, I just can’t seem to let you go. I’ve tried MS, I’ve tried for the past 4 years, but you always seem to come back. I cannot count how many times I wish you could just go away, but you always stay in my mind. You are always there. Whenever I’m lonely, I think of you. I think of us. I think of our time spent together. I imagine what we would be like if we kept dating. I wish I could write you letters when you were in the military. I wish I could love you more, but all of this doesn’t mean anything because you will never read this letter. I don’t know if I could ever love anyone else like you anymore. 
I always imagine meeting your family again and playing with your dog. I want to ask you so many questions, but I never get a chance. Is your grandma doing okay? I think I still keep your grandma’s gift for me, and I’ll probably never exchange it. Did your dad’s business ever take off? Do you like working for him? Does your mom still do pottery? What college did your sister get into? Does she like it? 
I enjoy my time spent with your family. I still remember your parents’ gaze when we were at the train station. I remember how proud they were. I remember your mom’s soft gaze at me, and I will never forget that. Oh, how I wish I could see that again. 
I am so sorry for the pain I’ve caused you, leading you to break up with me. I don’t know how many times I have to say sorry to you anymore, but I am so sorry. I hope you find a way to forgive me. I hope I will find a way to forgive myself. 
I’ve traveled the world for the past 4 years, and I ended up going back to my hometown after declaring to the world how much I hate it. I missed you most when I was in London because I saw so many couples on the street. I missed you when I was walking on the street in Washington, D.C. I missed your smile when I walked down Rodeo Drive in Los Angeles. I missed your voice when I was in Osaka. But I hated my hometown the most because it reminds me of you. Everything and everyone. 
Soon enough, you’ll find someone else, and you’ll get married. I hope she loves you more than I ever love you even though I don’t even know if I could ever handle the news. But I know that you will. I told you when we broke up that you shouldn’t invite me to your wedding, and I still want the same thing. I don’t think I could handle it well. It’s heartbroken enough just to see from afar. 
I know that they said if you love someone, set them free. I am setting you free, but my pain is still here. One day, this pain will turn into scars, and I’ll wear them like a badge of honor. Because I know I have lived and loved and lost. 
Now, I have to eat dinner because I’m so hungry. I wish my sorrow could just fill me up, but food is better. 
Best,
AT