Dear Hamish,
All I want to know is why? 

Why did you have to say all those shitty things about my mental health. You have ruined relationships for me. I’m onto my second one since you, and every single time it starts to get good I convince myself they hate me. All because you told me my scars made me unloveable. “Because no one can love that on a girl.” You told me my attempts were an ick and a red flag. Do you realise how insecure this made me?

Why did you have to be the first one to find out about all my baggage? Why was it you that I trusted with the things I’d been struggling with for 5 years on my own. Sure my parents had found out maybe 2 months before you, but you were the first person I opened up to. And all you did was make me feel shitty and unworthy of a relationship.

Why did you have to manipulate me? When I finally realised how fucked it was for you to talk to me the way you did, I tried to talk to you. All you did was get mad at me for calling you out, and make me apologise. Do you realise what that does to a girl already struggling with mental health. I felt like I couldn’t talk to you about how it made me feel, because you’d just turn it back on me.

Why did you have to make me feel so shitty I couldn’t even talk to my friends? I shut myself out from them. Didn’t tell them a single thing you said. They asked why I dated you because you sure didn’t have the looks going for you, and all Id say is ‘he’s a nice guy.’ But i knew that wasn’t true. I just couldn’t bring myself to tell them what you said to me because they’d wonder what the fuck was wrong with me for staying with you.

You made me feel so shit about myself and my mental illness. You’ve made any of my future boyfriends have to deal with something they shouldn’t have to. Most of all I want to say thank you though. You taught me to stand up for myself and not take shit from losers like you.

Sincerely, your first love xox0


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