I don’t need you to feel complete

I don’t need you to feel complete

I don’t need you to feel complete

LTME postWell to start off, it’s only been 3 months since we broke up. But we had dated for 3 years with a six month break in there. I would love to go back in time and not get back together with you. But I was broken and distraught back then. I thought I needed you to be complete. I remember you breaking up with me. I walked out your front door with tears running down my face and my dignity being stepped upon by your mother who was running after me asking what was wrong. She always told you that I was too good for you. But I guess I wasn’t good enough for you. It’s crazy how someone can just change your mood and personality and everything that you once stood for. I always thought I would wait until marriage to lose my virginity, I was always a happy person, I did well in school- then I started dating you and all of that changed. It felt good to be wanted and to be loved both literally and figuratively. Then came the day when you stopped telling me that I was pretty and when you didn’t care if we hung out or not. And when we did spend time together we only did one thing. And I began to think that that was all I was good for. That I deserved to be treated badly. I was fighting for our love and that’s what love is right? Something that we fight for and go through heaven and hell for that one person we “love”? I honestly am not sure what “love” is right now. I used to believe in the fairy tale and the magical-ness that seemed to be in the movies with love. But you kind of altered that view. Any couple things were thought of as stupid. How dare we hug in public or take pictures together. You wouldn’t even talk to me at church because you “didn’t want to make it seem like we were super attached to each other”. That literally makes no sense, but these are the things I compromised with for 3 years. Because I “loved” you. Love became this stupid idea that I wasn’t allowed to have and probably wouldn’t ever obtain with you, but to me that was just another “compromise”.

Then came prom. You had broken up with me a month before prom, but we still decided to go together because we were going to be friends and everything would work out. I had no doubt that by the end of prom we would be back together. But you were only using me for the physical things. And I didn’t see that. So we get in a huge fight about prom and you going to another prom with another girl as well and that’s when you told me those words I’ll never forget. “You’re just not attractive enough for me.” Those will always cut like knives. How dare you make me feel like the ugliest person in the world. How dare you say that to someone that you claimed to love. So then I began my big spiral downward. I would stand in front of the mirror for hours thinking about the things that I could change that would make you like me. What did that girl have that I didn’t? All of your friends would come up to me or text me and say that you let go of a really good thing and that I was so much prettier than this other girl. But it didn’t matter coming from them. I wanted to hear it from you. That you were sorry. That I was beautiful. Anything. Later that summer you would apologize and I would forgive you and we would start dating again. Everything would be good for a while, but it would go down hill and the same things would happen. I was deemed not attractive enough and was used for my body. But I didn’t see this because I was blind to it. When you’re in that situation you don’t realize it until you wake up one day and just realize that you want so much more than what you have.

So long story short, I’ve had to learn how to love myself again. And I’ve had to not hate myself for dating you. It’s hard a lot of the time and it’s a journey, but I have been happier in the past three months than I have in such a long time. I can look in a mirror and smile at what I see. I don’t need you to feel complete or like I’m worth something. I am not your piece of property. Honestly, I don’t feel anything towards you. I can’t get a clear picture of your face in my mind, or hear your voice. It’s crazy how you can spend so much of your life and share so many important memories with someone and then one day just become strangers. But if I have learned anything from this journey, it is that everything happens for a reason. There have been many a night why I have cried out why is this happening to me, or why do I have to go through this? Heartbreak is never a fun thing, but it’s important that you learn something from it. Even if it hurt like hell and I cried myself to sleep, I learned from our relationship. I’ve had to learn to not hate myself for dating you. I know the type of people I don’t want to date. I know what I want in a relationship. Love is not a stupid thing. Everyone deserves love, and I am not going to compromise my happiness for you any longer. I love myself now, and that’s all I need.

1 Comment

  1. Stefanos 6 years ago

    Is there a way to chat with you outside this blog? I have been there myself and I want to see the female side of this traumatic experience.

    Cheers.

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