You will never know

You will never know

You will never know

My lulu, I know this is a weird time, after so many years and this crazy lady just wont stop. I’ve tried many times to not write this, I have been reading every mail, message between since we left each other. How can I still love you after so many years, this man that literally broke me to the core, thought nothing about humiliating me, made up outrageous things, and here I still stand. 
Even though you know this, and even though I keep telling you it isn’t so, which is mostly true, but a big chunk of me cannot for the life of me find interest in another man. The thought of me having to kiss, love, and sleep with other man and makes me want to throw up. Yes, i have dated two guys since our separation but I have only slept with one of them and they’ve never seen me naked. I know you don’t believe this though. 
I know you are happy in your elements, and that you never miss what we had, you life is free and no responsibility, coming and doing as you please, is something I took away from you early in life. 

At first getting with you felt weird, we had the best relationship, having you pick me up and drive all over, even to your female friends homes, I loved that you didn’t hide it from me, and I started to fall for you more and more as this is the guy I’ve dreamt about. You were there the moment  I opened my eyes, till the time I closed it. You were my best friend, my confidante, the love i dreamt of having and I thanked the man above for bringing you into my life. Do you remember that maid we had, do you remember what she told us that night? ‘you will be together for long, and someone from your past will come and mess it up, you will break up, and I remember asking her do we get back together and for some reason I dont remember what she said, all I remember was saying your I was now going to say good riddance of this lastag person”. I sit now and think about how you could do this to me for years. I loved you, and if we had to change places, and i’m sure you know this, that each time you were down, or feeling hurt, you’d run to me, and I’d openly be the crazy ex-wife standing in and taking your part. Yet, you never seem to do this for me.

I wonder how you could’ve really loved me when the day before you said you didn’t want to leave and love me with your life, and that you are sorry for what happened. 
– did you ever miss me?
– did you ever cry?
– did you ever think about reconciling?
– do you ever find yourself in a moment and say I wonder how it wouldve been if she was here?
– do you ever find yourself wishing I could be sharing the moment with you
– do you look for me in the middle of night when you asleep?

Yes, i do all the above, and if me all these years, wasn’t enough to show you how much I loved you and still love you and will always love you, I GUESS ITS BECAUSE I WAS NEVER REALLY A LOVE OF YOURS. You see normal people just go on and don’t give two shits, and I mean there are plenty of people in this world, who are better than you, more good looking, and have much more to offer, YET I DON’T SEEM TO FIND THEM INTERESTING, AND KEEP THEM IN THE LOOP. I can’t because they are not you. I know this isn’t healthy, but it isn’t a matter of stalker, psycho vibes either. I’ve set you free, why? because you deserved better, you deserved what I couldn’t provide as I never worked, and as long as i cold be around you I was my happy self. You will never understand how much you consume me. 

I make scenarios in my mind, like, if he was here now, I would suggest us doing this and that, I’d go here and there, I’d buy him this and that, etc. You see my tattoo nobody knows about, and it’s hidden for a reason, and if you look close enough its designed in a way that the more bolded letters creates your initial, and as you can see it is not completely done yet, because I want your name in there. We could have been the most beautiful couple and family. If only you didn’t give close friends, and people that we actually knew the benefit of laughing at me knowing they getting the same. It hurt to know that even after reading my diaries, you knew how much I loved you, yet you weren’t willing to make the change and give me the desired love and affection back. Instead you became more and more what I didn’t want on purpose. 

When you love someone and take break from them, you don’t bad mouth them by the next person the way you have done, and then come home look me in the face and say you love me. I guess you will never understand the depth of the pain and hurt you inflicted, as you never really loved me to begin with. When you love someone you go above and beyond for them, coz that is what I would do for you, each time, every time. 
I guess the man above, knew what he has planned for me, and I doubt that if we were still married, I would never have gotten where I am today, you were not very good at cheering me to do what I loved, or to take risks.

There is so much I wish I could share with you. However, I have someone I share it with, you will never see us together, because I have requested this, but you have heard and do know him, but you aren’t friends and I don’t think you have ever changed words before. He is a good person to me, spoils me, sends me money, buys me things, and even though he wants to do so much more, I won’t allow him to. He even bought a house, that he is renting out as I didn’t want to move in it. He is not on social media, he doesn’t like the streets, but his well known in the streets, and the times that you are so demeaning, and abusive towards me, he keeps me calm, he makes me feel okay, and keeps reminding me that you are my kids father and the man I used to love.

He is so different truly. He has taught me so much. Nonetheless, we could’ve created the best team, and you know i always wanted that, where people be like never him, he loves her way too much, and she does too. They might be nice to others, but boundaries, because he will never hurt that women. I wanted our kids to be like Mommy and Daddy get a room. I wanted us to be good together, good alone with our friends, and have a great time doing our individual things yet throughout the day you’d be checking in, and it would be you who pulled up fetching me from wherever i am at as you wouldn’t let me take public transport or Uber.

I hope whoever you dating, even if you dating many, so the below for me coz even after all those years we never got to do this alone with each other, and even when recently we tried being all loving, you wouldn’t sacrifice time to do these with me coz of children as you always threw excuses in front, yet could make all the time and not feel guilty about lying for all the other women. Please do this with them to show them you really putting in the effort I wish you could’ve done for me when we were dating or married. 
– Take her to see sunsets in different zones from the area. (the beaches, the mountain, and the best views in the city)
– Take her to walk on the beach hand in hand and just talk about the day she had or the weekend you didn’t get to see her. 
– Take quirky pics with her of your hands intertwined, your feet curled up together, your eye and hers, and how she looks when she talking about the things she loves most, and even on her bad days.
– take her hiking in the woods or forest. 
– make the effort like you did with the previous one and take her one a weekend getaway. 
– send her songs that you heard or a verse that you think is about her. 
– pick her flowers from your next door neighbors trees and give them to her. 
– buy her cute things or cute underwear and hide it somewhere and say tonight wear this. 
– even though you don’t dance, try dancing with her wether it be slow dance or crazy dance.
– sing a song to her while you taking a drive, she will never forget your face.
– take her to see other things on the other side of town/other side of the mountain and not every time on the same drive, to the same place, we women prefer to not rather go. 
– buy milkshakes, choc, chips ,  sweets, and pack it in a bag, take a little blanket and take her for a picnic
– do the abc dating fun – a= adventure/airbnb/afternoon tea B=bike rides, bowling C=camping, cinema 

you catch my drift….Please go extra for all of them, and never treat one better than the other, I am sorry for the last incident, but I now have stood down. It hurt because I have been praying so much for my thoughts to change away from negativity, and to try my best to believe you, and then he shows me more, even though i knew. The hurtful words you spew, the distasteful ways of how you can want to be all about me the last few times and then when I tell you things you get all defensive and spew ugly remorseful sinful words, yet ask why i am the way I am, why i don’t heart things, or want you in my space, because I know how you do me and then leave, and the effort you put in for them.

I am not jealous of what you do, I don’t hate, nor curse you and I am super grateful that I have reached a point where I don’t need to act revenge because its not my character. and as much as i try crying when i pray, I cant, I dont even know when last I cried. I always wonder, do you ever reminisce on us or what we had? 
We never had to much to do as you were the only one working, yes I demanded things but its normal and I was happy and in love with you despite the little we had. I was content that you worked all week, and your sports took over your life, as long as you were happy, I was content, I really was. Even though I knew you were being sneaky I kept quiet and hinted a few times but you thought I didn’t really know, I did, I knew it all, but as long as you came home to me every night, as long as I got to be the trophy wife I was happy. Yes I question myself about what if I didn’t put you out and take out all your clothes, where would we have been, would it have become more toxic, would you have cheated harder, I ask myself this question many at times and I do blame myself for it. 

There are times I wish I could send you a message to come home and make love to me. Even though you think the sex to me isnt appealing, I loved it, I loved the fact that I always spiced things up, and tried different styles and things to keep you happy, but one of them always outdid me, they went to extents I didnt want to go and never felt comfortable doing. Till today I will never ever do it to another soul and have never, but for you I’d do every single minute of the day. I buy myself sexy lingerie, knowing all too well Im never going to wear it, and no its not disgusting to use toys, instead of me allowing another man to say that he slept with me I will prefer to be the one with the toys. The satisfy me when I need it, when Im longing for you, and it makes me orgasm. I wish one night you could truly satisfy me, book us a night in, and pretend to be the most lovable couple for just one day. Hold hands, laying naked, watching movies, and in the morning return home and continue with our separation, but that is low standards and I dont think its a good thing to the man who actually wants to do it with me. 

I miss us, I miss what we used to be, I miss who you were in the beginning, I miss how we joked, laughed, sang along tunes, and were comfortable in sharing everything and anything with each other. I do believe that we were only meant to be for a little while, however, I thought we could’ve been the best of friends for the afterlife. I guess thats a bit far fetched, but I never ponder about the things you doing with other women, because you are living your free life, and you deserve every ounce of it. Just know that if you ever find true love, someone that makes your soul burn, grab it with both arms and never let it go. FOR AS LONG AS YOU ARE HAPPY MY KIDS WILL GET A HAPPY PARENT. YOU MAY BE MORE INVOLVED AND VESTED IN YOUR NEW LOVE BUT THAT IS OKAY, I WANT THEM TO SEE YOU HAPPY, AND TO SEE THAT YOU KNOW HOW TO LOVE, AND THAT I AM THE PROBLEM THAT COULDN’T KEEP US TOGETHER


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